


45104

by shiningdragonair



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Brain Surgery, Cancer, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-27 08:58:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5042101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiningdragonair/pseuds/shiningdragonair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger isn't the most cooperative patient. In fact, nurses and interns have quit working in the oncology wing because of him. But when the newest intern joins the staff, Patient 45104 doesn't quite know how to handle him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Room 208

**Author's Note:**

> This work was created with tumblr user karbinhake for the 2015 Big Bang challenge for the SnK artist network on tumblr! To see the art created by this wonderfully talented person for this story, head on over to artishishblog.tumblr.com/tagged/45104 :D  
>  
> 
> Huge thanks to tumblr users lilchibihanna for editing and erenswilltokill for feedback! 
> 
> <3

2:00am.

 

The harsh red light of the oncology wing's digital clock was the beacon for the nurses' station. Eren dragged his heels along the tile floor, meandering toward the desk.

 

"Go back to bed, 45104." The freckled young man behind the counter sighed without looking up from his computer.

 

"Really? Patient number? Come on, Marco, I've been here long enough. Just call me by my actual name." Eren leaned against the counter.

 

"That would imply friendship, and after your 'mishap' the other day, I'm not too keen on where we stand."

 

"Mishap? You mean the thing with the urine samples?"

 

Marco rolled his eyes over to Eren. "My pants _still_ smell like piss. After 8 washes."

 

"Well, if Dr. Smith didn't try that shit with the needles, we wouldn't’ve had a problem," he muttered. Marco sighed and went back to his work. "So,” Eren leaned over the desk and whispered loudly, “I hear there's a newb starting tomorrow."

 

"I might've heard something."

 

"Name?"

 

"That’s privileged information.”

 

“You suck.” Eren scratched at one of the bandages wrapped around his wrist. Marco swatted his hand away from the dressings. He shut his patient folders and stepped out from behind the desk. "I think I should do a quick round."

 

The two walked to the rhythm of heart monitors back down the dimly lit hallway.

 

"We should get new lights in here. These are so sterile and boring."

 

Marco adjusted his pale blue scrubs. "And what do you suggest, 45104?"

 

"Can you _stop_ it with the number thing? I've been here for - "

 

"I know, I know. 1 whole _year_.”

 

" _No_ ," Eren interrupted. "1 year, 9 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days. If you’re gonna be sarcastic about it, at least get it right. Don't you people keep track of this shit?"

 

Marco yawned. "Sorry. Don't care enough to know it down to the day." He peered into the first room they passed.

 

"How's the old man?" Eren asked, stretching his arms over his head. His thin cotton shirt slid up with them, exposing a scar about 6 inches away from his belly button.

 

"You mean Reeves?"

 

"Oh sure, use his name," Eren muttered.

 

"He's hanging in there. His son comes by every day."

 

"Yeah, I see him. Fat shit steals from our food trays."

 

Marco closed the door over. “Well, at least you’re caring about food again, 45104.”

 

“Oh my _god_ , just use my name, Marco.” Eren whined, his voice carrying all the way down the hall.

 

“Only if you promise me one thing,” he conceded.

 

“What?”

 

“Actually take your meds tomorrow.”

 

“I take them every -”

 

“ _Without_ putting up a fight.”

 

Eren groaned and slumped against the wall. “I fucking hate them. They make me even more nauseous and break out cold sweats and shit.”

 

“It’s either that or dying. Your call.”

 

“Jeez, you’ve gotten heartless, man.”

 

“It’s all thanks to you,” Marco quipped continuing down to the next room. “Anyway, you _have_ been eating your food, right?”

 

Even rubbed the scar on his belly. “Yeah. I’m not fucking around with a feeding tube again.” He shuddered. “That was awful.”

 

“Yeah.” Marco poked his head into the next room.

 

“That’s the leukemia kid?”

 

“You know, you should really learn people’s names around here.”

 

Eren scoffed. “Please. I don’t care enough. You’re lucky I know the people who work here never mind the saps who’re being treated.”

 

“You realize that you’re one of them, right?”

 

Eren went silent and crossed his arms, fiddling with the bandage again. The next room was his. Room 208. Marco stopped in front of the door and turned to face his patient, back to the door, effectively blocking Eren’s path.

 

“Listen. You need to get sleep.”

 

“You don’t think I try?” Eren mumbled.

 

“I can give you something if you need it.”

 

“No, I’m taking enough crap. I don’t need something else.”

 

Marco sighed. “Have it your way. But you better be on point tomorrow. The new intern is starting and it’s Dr. Zoe’s visit.”

 

He groaned. “Goddammit, I hate her getting all up in my business.”

 

“It’s just an hour. You’ll live.”

 

Marco reached behind his back and opened the door to the room, ushering Eren inside. “Good night. I should be here when you wake up.”

 

Eren waved his hand trying to get Marco to leave.

 

“Eren,” he pulled a small water bottle from his pocket. “Drink this. Or I’ll have to get you back onto an IV.”

 

“Thanks. Night.”

 

Marco left, closing the door behind him. Eren tossed the bottle onto his bed and went into the minuscule bathroom. He switched on the yellow fluorescent light and looked at himself in the mirror. Dull, green eyes stared back at him with brown hair that fell to his neck. _Ugh, I need a haircut._ He pulled a rubber band from his pocket and tied his untamed hair into a messy ponytail. Running his right hand along his left cheek and down to his chin, he sighed, “I need a shave, too.” The brown stubble was starting to become noticeable against his caramel-colored skin. As he looked closer at his reflection, he could see the outlines of his jaw and cheekbones becoming more pronounced. _That fat lard Reeves needs to stop stealing my food_. “Dammit,” he winced as his ever-present background headache grew more intense. He slammed the light switch off and turned off the room lights, before sliding onto the bed. He sat up, back against the wall and curled his legs tight to his chest before resting his forehead on his knees.

 

“Breathe…one…two…three…four….”

 

He could feel nausea developing as his palms grew sweaty. He haphazardly groped for the water that Marco left him and tore off the cap. It took all of 3 seconds to chug the whole thing, only for it to be rendered useless. He grabbed the basin on his bedside table and nestled it between his thighs and chest just in time for him to heave his dinner into it. _Looks like I’m not sleeping again tonight._

 

3, 4, and 5am came and went unceremoniously. By 5:30, Eren was dry heaving with puffy red eyes from forced tears. He wished for another bout of insomnia and a different excuse to not sleep. The one night in weeks where he felt he could get decent rest disappeared. Around 6:30, just as he felt his eyes start to flutter closed and his stomach barely calm down, the door opened and the lights unapologetically blinded him.

 

"Good morning, Mr. Jaeger!"

 

Eren merely groaned in response to the bubbly blonde carrying a tray of breakfast over to his adjustable bedside table. He caught a whiff of egg and smacked her arm away in disgust, sending the tray to the ground, splattering its contents everywhere.

 

"What the hell?" she snapped.

 

"Get out," Eren hissed.

 

"I'll send people to clean - "

 

"Don't bother I'll get it myself."

 

"But - "

 

"Just _go_ ," he insisted.

 

The girl stumbled over her words and backed out of the room, tripping over her heels. Eren heaved a sigh and pushed himself off of the bed with what little energy he had left. He scooped up the eggs and whatever mystery vegetable side dish accompanied it and put the plate on the table. The sealed packages of jello and juice were salvageable, so he peeled back the foil cover and tried to take a sip. The lukewarm juice was refreshing compared to his bone-dry throat and lips. He felt his stomach churn again. Putting down the juice, he grabbed the basin and brought it to the bathroom to wash it out. "Fuckin' smells terrible,” he said, concentrating on not retching. A grumble escaped from his belly next. _Am I hungry or sick?_ he thought as he splashed water on his face.

 

The door to his room opened again and he heard footsteps pass the bathroom and a marker writing on the whiteboard that hung across from the bed, outlining the nurses on staff and the day's rotation. Eren slipped out of the bathroom.

 

"Can I help you?" he spat. The twenty-something kept writing.

 

"You must be 45104. I'm the new intern."

 

Eren stared at him, waiting for a name to drop. When it didn't, he moved behind him and read what he was writing.

 

"Jean...K-I-R," he read aloud.

 

"Jean Kirschtein," he said as he turned on his heels. "I've heard about you."

 

"And I've heard nothing about you."

 

Jean snorted. "Good. The less you know the better."

 

Eren scowled. "We'll see about that." He turned to the pile of soiled breakfast. "The food girl spilled my breakfast. Get me something to eat."

 

Jean raised his brow and didn't reply. "I'll be back later with your doctor to take vitals." He walked to the door.

 

"Aren't you gonna ask my name?"

 

"Don't need to know," he sighed before shutting the door behind him.

 

Eren plopped himself onto the bed again. "What a douche."

 

***

 

"So what's the deal with 45104?" Jean asked while figuring out where his patient files went. Marco slung his school bag over his shoulder.

 

“He’s a peach, isn’t he? What’d he do to you?”

 

“Nothing, just gave me some nasty attitude and shit.”

 

Marco laughed. “That’s nothing. What’d you say to him?”

 

“I just shrugged it off. Didn’t give him much to work with, I guess.”

 

“Good luck keeping _that_ up,” Marco warned hitting the down button on the elevator. “He’ll get to you eventually.”

 

“He’s the one who needs the luck. What’s going on with him, anyway?”

 

"It's complicated.”

 

“That’s not vague at all,” Jean said, throwing himself into the rolling chair behind the desk, still warm from Marco. He searched the computer for the digital copy of Eren’s patient file. “Let’s see, patient number 45104.” He pulled up the data and scanned it over. “Looks like…ependymoma?”

 

“Mhm,” Marco confirmed, flipping through his phone. “I wish it was that cut-and-dry though. Keep reading.”

 

Jean scrolled through the pages of differential diagnoses, patient notes, and brain scans. He saw the gamut of treatments that tried and failed. “Oh, shit.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Explains why they haven’t done surgery. It’s right where three lobes meet. What’s this drug they have him on now? I haven’t seen it before.”

 

Marco sighed, “I’d love to stay and talk about it, but I have class in about an hour and have to catch my train. I’ll see you when I take over the night shift later.” 

 

“Right. See you,” Jean waved goodbye to his coworker while keeping his eyes trained on the screen. He tapped his finger on the desk while continuing his scrolling through Eren's file. The phone snapped him back to reality.

 

“Yeah?” A woman on the other end of the line spat out some message so quickly that by the time Jean grabbed a post-it to write it down, she was about to hang up. “Wait! One more time? Dr. Zoe, right? Okay. You’re gonna be here in half an hour? Okay. Yeah, I’ll make sure he’s ready for you. No problem. Bye.” Jean hung up the phone. He checked the doctor’s schedule pinned up on the wall behind him. The clock read 7:00. _Doctors Smith and Ackerman don’t come by until 8 so I can’t make rounds on my own yet._ The call light flashed bright red on the switchboard under the schedules. It was from room 208.

 

“HELP! I need help down here!” Eren bellowed from his room with panic and desperation dripping from his words. Jean bolted to his feet and rushed down to the room.

 

“Please! It hurts so much!”

 

Jean burst through the door to find Eren sitting at the edge of his bed, counting in his underwear.

 

“What? What is it, what’s wrong?” Jean panted.

 

“13 seconds from buzz to door. Not bad.”

 

“Are you fucking joking?”

 

Eren let out an exaggerated gasp. “ _Swearing_ in front of a _patient_? That won’t sit well with your bosses.”

 

Jean took a deep breath to attempt to control the rage bubbling up within him. He moved over to the window and threw open the blinds. “Dr. Zoe’s going to be here in about half an hour to meet with you.” He turned and looked at Eren. “Put some clothes on.”

 

“Don’t like what you see?”

 

“Is _that_ supposed to be impressive?” he sassed, eyeing Eren’s bony frame.

 

Eren furrowed his brow. “Fuck you,” he growled.

 

“Maybe if you ate your food instead of throwing it everywhere -”

 

“Maybe if this food was better than dog shit, I would.”

 

“Calm down, 45104.”

 

Eren threw himself off the bed and grabbed the same white shirt from the night before and kicked his legs through a pair of gray sweatpants. He absentmindedly winced as he rolled his shoulders back.

 

“What was that?”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Sit.”

 

“No.”

 

Jean made his way over to Eren and pushed him down onto the bed. “I need you to tell me. Are you having a headache right now? I’m not fucking playing.”

 

“Swearing _again_?”

 

“I’m. Not. Playing.”

 

Eren frowned at Jean’s lack of a reaction. “Fine. I always have a headache. It’s a matter of how bad it is and it’s not bad right now.”

 

“What about your back? Does it hurt?”

 

“No!” he spat back. “I was just hunched over all night. For Christ’s sake, just get out will you? It’s enough I have to deal with that shrink, I don’t need to be dealing with your overattentive ass-kissing just so you can get on the doctors’ good side. I know how your kind works. You’re just here to build a base for references when you graduate from med school, right?”

 

Jean found himself incapable of forming words. Not because he was right, but because he didn’t expect him to say this much at one time.

 

“Thought so. Get out and stop pretending you care.”

 

Jean crossed his arms. “Fine.” He walked to the door and slammed it shut behind him, and Eren was left to his own devices. The solitude lasted all of 30 seconds before Dr. Zoe barged in.

 

“I thought you were gonna be half an hour,” Eren deadpanned, clearly displeased with his new company. He fidgeted with his bandages.

 

“Looks like those need to be changed, let me get the new guy in here before we start –”

 

“No,” he interrupted.

 

“Don't like the new intern?”

 

“He’s a dick.”

 

“He’s helping keep you alive, you know. Just doing his job.”

 

Eren scoffed. “He's being an asshole about it.”

 

Dr. Zoe sat on the chair across from the bed and clumsily pushed her mousy brown bangs out of her face. While Eren was looking out the window, she pulled out her notepad and started writing.

 

“What's different about this one? You haven't really gotten angry at others.”

 

Eren shrugged. “He's just being a fucking tool.”

 

“So, you're allowed to be a jerk to people, but no one can send it back to you?”

 

He scoffed again. “They're not supposed to. I'm sick, remember. You've gotta be nice to me.” He turned back around and stuck his wrists out. “Remember?”

 

“Have you self-harmed since?”

 

Eren was silent. He crossed his arms and sat at the head of the bed.

 

“Eren, it's important that you tell me these things. I know you don't like it.”

 

“Then why bother?” He grumbled. “I'm just gonna die anyway.”

 

“What did we say about thinking like that?” Dr. Zoe scolded. “You're not classified as terminal.”

 

“Nothing they're doing is helping!” Eren snapped. “I just take this stupid medicine and for what? My headaches haven't gotten any better and eating is a fucking wildcard! I was up all night puking my brains out until there was _literally nothing left._ ”

 

Dr. Zoe scribbled some notes into her pad. “I can't really do much about your treatment, you know. But I can tell your doctor that you're not happy with what's happening. Sound like something we can agree on?”

 

“Whatever.” Eren scratched at the bandages.

 

“Do you want to cut right now?”

 

“Does it matter?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“No,” Eren conceded. “And even if I did, I don't have anything to do it with after last time.”

 

Dr. Zoe scratched out another line. “That's good.”

 

“Sure.”

 

Both of them went quiet. Eren reached for the TV remote, but Dr. Zoe stopped him. “You can watch later. We still have time. Has your family been visiting?”

 

“Mikasa comes by when she’s not working.”

 

“And Mikasa is…?”

 

“My sister.”

 

“Right. Sorry. I knew that.”

 

“Sure you did. Armin comes by with her, too.”

 

“Good, good,” Dr. Zoe said, crossing her legs and pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “What do you guys do when they're here?”

 

“I dunno. Talk? I ask what they've been doing. They ask how I'm feeling.”

 

“How long have they been staying.”

 

“Half hour. 45 minutes max.”

 

“Do you want them to stay longer?”

 

Eren sighed. “They can't.”

 

“That's not what I asked.”

 

“I don't wanna talk about this anymore.”

 

“Eren –”

 

“I said no.” He got up off the bed and went into the bathroom. He could hear Dr. Zoe’s muffled voice through the metal door. “You can't just hide when you don't wanna talk about something, Eren.”

 

“Watch me.”

 

Eren paced around the cramped bathroom in the dark. He kept hearing the question over and over _Do you want them to stay longer?_ Of course he did. But he didn't want Dr. Zoe knowing that. _If she knows that, she'll ask why. I don't need her prying._ She banged on the door.

 

“Eren, I'll get them in here to break down the door again.”

 

He didn't answer.

 

“Eren.” Her tone was authoritative and demanding. He heard her mutter something. _Is she talking to herself again?_

“Mr. Jaeger,” a deep voice said, “out. Now.”

 

Eren pushed the door open. “Dr. Smith.”

 

“Thanks, Erwin.” Dr. Zoe placed her hand on his broad shoulder.

 

“You're early today, _Erwin_ ,” Eren mocked. “What a nice surprise from the head of oncology.”

 

“Are you going to behave for Dr. Zoe? Or will I have to sedate you?” He asked, ignoring Eren’s jab.

 

“Please.”  Eren dismissed the notion. “You want a repeat of the other night? Marco said his pants still smell like piss.”

 

“Don't test me, Eren. Finish your session with Dr. Zoe and I'll be around during your vitals and tests.”

 

“Whatever,” he replied, disgusted. “Just no needles.”

 

“Deal.” Erwin left and shut the door behind him, leaving the two alone again.

 

“Well that was fun,” Dr. Zoe said, taking her seat.

 

“Did you really have to get him?”

 

“He came to me. Let's call it a stroke of good fortune. So, back on topic –”

 

“Can we not talk about them?” Eren shot, leaning against the windowsill. He ripped off his bandages and threw them to the trash, exposing two slowly healing slashes across each forearm.

 

“I forgot how deep those were,” Dr. Zoe said. “You're lucky Marco was here and found you in time.”

 

“Yeah, he's a good one. I kinda feel bad about the urine samples thing. He was collateral damage.”

 

“You seem to have gotten pretty close with him. Would you call him a friend?”

 

Eren shrugged. “I guess. I mean, he takes care of me.”

 

“Everyone here takes care of you.”

 

“They can keep telling themselves that,” he sneered. “There’s a difference between treating me and taking care of me. Marco takes care of me.”

 

“Have you thanked him?”

 

Eren chewed on the inside of his mouth. “Why should I? He’s doing his job.”

 

“Everyone here is doing their job.”

 

“Whatever.” Eren turned back to look out the window. He watched cars pull into the parking lot across the street and families make their way to the hospital entrance. His room had a clear view of the city skyline on the horizon. The last of the yellow sunrise faded to daytime blues.

 

"When's the last time you walked outside in the courtyard?"

 

“I’m not going out there.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Too depressing.”

 

Dr. Zoe stifled a laugh. “And it’s less depressing inside these walls?”

 

“I wanna to go outside, but not in the courtyard. I wanna go to the park or the beach or something.” He found himself talking without thinking. “Armin and Mikasa bring back pictures of places and show me where they’ve gone and it’s just not fair. Why do they get to go places while I’m trapped in here? I didn’t ask for this.”

 

“It’s not your fault that you’re in here.”

 

“I know that. I’m not an idiot,” he snapped. “Are we done yet? I’ve talked to you more than I even wanted to. And I didn’t want to to begin with, so yeah.”

 

“No. We’re not. But I think that you’ve made some decent progress so far, so I’ll end early today.”

 

“Great. Because this cherry Jello has been calling my name and I’m not eating in front of you.”

 

“Okay, but –”

 

“ _Bye_ ,” he yelled, pushing her out the door and shutting it behind her. He picked up the sealed cup of Jello and peeled back the lid. “You better stay down.” He winced again as he slid back onto the bed and adjusted his back. He slurped the gelatin from the rim of the cup and let it slide down his throat. “Sweet cherry goodness,” he whispered before knocking the rest of it back, licking the remains inside the plastic and around his mouth. He tossed the cup in the trash as someone knocked at the door. “Oh, my god. Can you people leave me alone for, like, a minute? God, and you get pissy when I call for you.”

 

“Well, when it’s a false alarm, of course I’m gonna be pissed,” Jean retorted, arms crossed and clutching something wrapped in a napkin.

 

"Oh, it's _you_ ,” Eren frowned. “What do you want?”

 

“Well, I recall a demand for food?” He tossed the napkin and its contents to Eren.

 

“What’s this?”

 

“It’s all I could get from the cafeteria.”

 

“Wow, you couldn’t splurge from the little café by the waiting room? I don’t have allergies. Except to brown-nosing interns.”

 

“Funny. Do you write your own material?”

 

“Fuck you.” Eren tore the napkin away. “Oh, it’s a muffin.”

 

“Yeah? What about it?”

 

“What kind?”

 

“Corn.”

 

“Oh, okay.” Eren stopped talking and tore off a chunk of the muffin top.

 

“Good?” Jean asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

Eren swallowed. “Y-Yeah. It’s fine.”

 

Silence came between them as Eren ate. After a minute and half a muffin, Jean noticed the bare wrists. “What happened to your bandages?”

 

“They were bothering me. I tossed them.”

 

“The cuts aren’t healed. You need to keep them dressed.”

 

Eren finished off the muffin in two big bites and downed the rest of his now-warm orange juice to wash it away. He felt his stomach grumble. “I don’t want them dressed. The wrappings were sweaty and itched like hell. I don’t want them on.”

 

Jean sighed. “Look. It needs to be protected or else it’ll get infected. I might have something but I need to see them closer.” He moved to the side of the bed and stood in front of Eren.

 

“Sit.”

 

“Only because you gave me a muffin.”

 

Jean’s face contorted in confusion. “Oh-kay?” _I should buy more muffins to keep on hand._

 

Eren sat down and stuck out his wrists. Jean put on latex gloves, took Eren's left hand in his, and gently ran his thumb over the wound. Eren kept his eyes trained on Jean. “You’re not gonna ask what happened?”

 

“Not my business. I’m sure you had your reasons.” Jean then took Eren’s right wrist and surveyed the other cut. “Okay, they’re healed enough for me to use a liquid bandage to keep the wounds protected.” Jean pulled a bottle out of one of his pockets and grabbed some alcohol pads from another. “This might hurt a bit.” He tore one of the pads open and ran it across Eren’s wrist.

 

A stinging pain seared through his arm. “ _SON OF A BITCH!_ ” Eren screamed. “What the fuck is wrong with you!”

 

“I _told_ you it might hurt! Calm down!” Jean yelled back in shock from Eren’s outburst.

 

“Jesus, fuck,” Eren said through clenched teeth.

 

“There, that one’s clean.” Jean opened the liquid bandage bottle and quickly applied it to Eren’s wrist. “Ready for the next one?”

 

“Ugh, this better be worth it, or you’re dead.” Eren grabbed his pillow with his treated hand. “Do it.”

 

Jean wiped a second pad across Eren’s left wrist as he stifled a scream. “Done,” Jean said, applying the last of the liquid bandage. “Let it dry. I’ll be back later to do vitals and help with tests.”

 

Eren stood up and flinched, reaching for his back.

 

“What kind of pain?” Jean asked taking off his gloves and tossing them in the trash.

 

“It’s nothing. I told you. Now leave. I wanna be alone before that pretentious dick of a doctor comes in here.”

 

“Dr. Smith isn’t that bad.”

 

“I’m not _talking_ about Smith. He’s not my doctor.”

 

“You’re Dr. Ackerman’s patient?”

 

“Did you not _read_ my file? Jeez, newbie, get on your shit. First the swearing and now not reading patient files? How the hell did you get a job here?”

 

Jean sighed. _Easy come, easy go._ “I’ll be back later.”

 

“Whatever.” Eren sat back down on the bed and clicked the TV on.

 

Jean walked out of the room back into the the main hallway, shutting the door behind him. “That was interesting.”

 

“What was interesting?” a deep voice asked.

 

"Oh, Dr. Ackerman.” Jean straightened up at the sight of the short, yet intimidating man in a white coat.

 

“Relax, new guy. You were just in there with 45104. What were you doing?”

 

“H-He needed his bandages changed.”

 

“Levi, stop scaring the new intern,” Erwin said, strolling down the hall towards room 208. He handed Levi a clipboard. “We need to run these tests.”

 

Levi perused the list. “Oh, he’ll love these. They all require blood samples and one needs a lumbar puncture.”

 

“We need to make sure the tumor hasn't metastasized. He’ll have to deal with it,” Erwin explained.

 

Levi scoffed. “You're just gonna love your first day, kid.”

 

“W-Why?”

 

“45104 has trypanophobia. Fear of needles. He just has to see one and he’ll freak out. And he’s already a piece of work, so just keep your cool.”

 

Jean thought for a moment. “Can't we just tranquilize him?”

 

Levi looked up from his clipboard and squinted his eyes at Jean. “Are _you_ the doctor?”

 

“No, not yet.”

 

“Not _yet_? You trying to take my job?”

 

“N-No, that's not what I meant. I'm just saying I'm not a doctor yet. I'm still in med school. I-I –”

 

“Save it. Just do your job. That's all I care about. Clear?”

 

Jean gulped. “Clear.”

 

“Shall we?” Erwin reached between them to open the door to Eren’s room.

 

 _Oh man, he’s gonna be pissed,_ Jean thought.

 

“I swear. To god. I can’t have a fucking minute to myself, can I?” Eren turned off the TV and tossed the remote in exasperation. “Oh, look who decided to join us.” He looked directly at Levi. “Dr. Ackerman, how nice of you to grace me with your presence. And with Dr. Smith! Wow it must be a _special_ day to have you and your fuck-buddy here.”

 

Jean snorted as he stifled a laugh. _Called it._ Levi shot him a death glare. “Sorry, sir.”

 

“Here’s the deal, Jaeger,” Levi began. He looked to the whiteboard, “Kirschtein is going to take your vitals and I’ll be back with the equipment for some tests.”

 

“What tests?”

 

“Bloodwork and a lumbar puncture. For now.”

 

Eren glared at Erwin. “You said no needles. What the fuck do you call this?”

 

“We have to make sure the tumor hasn’t spread. This is the quickest way to find out,” Erwin explained. “We’re going to run a full body MRI and a head CT later in the week, too, but we need to stay ahead of the cancer. Also,” he took a seat in the corner of the room, “Dr. Zoe tells me that you’re not happy with the treatment?”

 

Eren crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall at the head of the bed. “This drug sucks. It makes me more nauseous and I get cold sweats. I still have the headaches.”

 

“It’s all we’ve got right now,” Levi interjected. He motioned for Jean to start checking Eren’s pulse rate. “You knew going into this that the drug was experimental. It’s supposed to shrink the tumor.”

 

“Has it?”

 

“We’re looking into that when we do the CT scan.”

 

Eren sighed. “Whatever.”

 

“You need to relax,” Jean warned. “I need to check your breathing.” He put the eartips of his stethoscope in and placed the chestpiece on his back. Eren gasped.

 

“What?”

 

“It’s cold.”

 

“Oh, suck it up. Breathe in. And out. Again. Again.” Jean removed it and placed the end onto Eren’s chest. He looked at Eren and noticed that he was being watched intently. “What’re you looking at?”

 

“What? I can’t watch someone take my vitals?”

 

“Breathing’s fine. How’s your back?”

 

Levi and Erwin’s heads simultaneously turned and their eyes trained on Eren. “What about your back?”

 

“Nothing! It’s fine, I was just hunched over yesterday. It’s nothing.” He turned to Jean. “Thanks, asswipe.” He threw his arm out. “Take my blood pressure and stay quiet.”

 

Erwin stood up and joined Levi at the side of the bed. “Where’s it hurt? Even if it’s muscular, we need to make sure everything’s okay.”

 

“Fine,” Eren sighed. “It’s right here.” He reached around and rubbed the middle of his back along his spine.

 

“Looks like it’s around the T7 vertebra,” Levi muttered to Erwin. “I’ll be back with the equipment.” He handed Erwin his clipboard and left.

 

“Blood pressure’s a bit on the high side,” Jean commented as he put the sphygmomanometer away.

 

“You think? There’s at least two needles going into me in minutes, you idiot.” Eren hissed.

 

“Aw, do you need me to hold your hand?” Jean mocked.

 

Eren scowled. “I’ll break it if I did.”

 

“So, Mr. Kirschtein,” Erwin interrupted. “What do you want to specialize in?”

 

“Hm? Oh, I’d like to be in oncology actually. That’s why I wanted to get an internship here so badly,” Jean explained as he put a plastic cover on the electronic thermometer.

 

Eren snorted. “And you got _me_ along with that. Guess you can’t have your cake and eat it, too, huh?”

 

"Shut up," he retorted as he stuck the reader in Eren’s ear. After a couple seconds, it beeped and Jean checked the screen. “Hm. 38.3 Celsius.”

 

“That’s new,” Erwin remarked, taking note on the clipboard. “I’ll be right back with Dr. Ackerman.” He read over the clipboard quickly before stepping outside.

 

“Um,” Eren started, “what’s that mean?” Jean looked over to Eren. His typically pissy expression was melting into worry. He wanted to snap at him, throw a jab his way, but something behind the green eyes kept his words stuck in his throat.

 

“Well,” Jean began, “a fever means you’re fighting something. If it’s _new,_ then we want to make sure that your body isn’t fighting a new tumor.”

 

“New tumor? Like, it metastasized or whatever?”

 

“We don’t know yet.”

 

Eren sighed and buried his face in his hands. “You have _got_ to be kidding me.”


	2. Pins and Needles

“Did you actually survive the bloodwork and spinal tap?” Armin asked, sweeping away hair that fell to the tile floor as Mikasa snipped away at Eren’s messy locks. Slowly, Eren's hair behaved and made way for his cleanly shaven face.

 

“I didn't have much of a choice, did I? The lumbar puncture didn't really hurt but I didn't see the actual needle going in so it didn't freak me out as much,” he explained. “The bloodwork though,” Eren chuckled. “I don't think Kirschtein is too happy.”

 

“Why not?” Mikasa chimed in, clipping around his ears.

 

“You'll see when he comes by. He's doing the night shift tonight with Marco. Should be here around 9.”

 

Armin looked at his watch.

 

“What time is it?” Eren asked.

 

“8:45,” he yawned as he pushed his blond bangs from his face. He tied his shoulder length hair back into a ponytail.

 

“Why're you so tired?”

 

Armin shrugged. “School’s been a bitch. It's kicking my ass.”

 

“Oh stop it,” Mikasa interjected. “You're doing great.” She turned Eren around and said, “His profs won't stop pestering him to work with them.”

 

“That's good.” Eren got up from the chair and went to the bathroom sink to wash the excess hair from his head. “Why won't you work with them?” he called out from the small room. No answer. He came back out and Mikasa tossed him a towel. “What's going on?”

 

Armin shifted uncomfortably.

 

“Well, go on,” Mikasa urged.

 

“Go on with what?” Eren asked, growing concerned.

 

“It’s nothing,” Armin sighed. “It's just,” he exchanged a sympathetic look with Mikasa, “I was offered something better.”

 

“Like?”

 

“Next week I'm leaving for France for three months. I got a scholarship to study abroad. It's every art history major’s dream and –”

 

“So is this the last time I'm seeing you until you get back?”

 

“I-I don't know –”

 

“Are you fuckin’ serious? You're just gonna leave me like this?” Eren threw the damp towel across the room against the window.

 

“But –”

 

“But nothing! What if I just up and _die_ when you’re gone, huh?” Eren threw himself face first into the bed. “Fuck it. Go. Have fun.”

 

“Eren, I'm –”

 

“ _Go_.”

 

Armin hung his head and started toward the door. Mikasa stopped him and turned to her brother. “Eren,” she began, “Armin shouldn't have to apologize for taking an opportunity like this. What's this really about?”

 

“Nothing.” He ran his hand through his hair that now hung just above his ears, sending stray hairs everywhere.

 

“It's not nothing.”

 

“It's fine. You should go, Armin. It'll be good for you. Just,” he paused. “Just bring me something back.” Eren slumped on the bed, defeated. “Ow, Jesus Christ.” He rubbed his back.

 

“Hey, Mikasa, can we be alone for a minute?”

 

Mikasa nodded. “Yeah, I’m gonna see when the results from your tests last week will be back,” she said as she stepped out of the room. Armin sat on the bed next to his best friend. “You know it's not permanent.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Eren, do you know how close I was to saying no? I didn't want to leave you behind like this. Since we could talk, the three of us always wanted to go all over the world.”

 

Eren turned to face Armin. “Then why does it feel like you’re just going ahead without me?” Armin saw Eren’s eyes start to water. “ _Everything_ is happening without me. And I’m just in this hellhole probably getting sicker and sicker.” He winced again. “Son of a bitch.”

 

“Has it gotten worse?”

 

Eren sighed. “Yeah. I thought it was just a muscle thing after a night of puking but I don’t know. Apparently the tests are gonna tell.”

 

Armin put his hand on his shoulder as Eren wrung his hands. The cuts on his wrists were almost fully healed at this point. “Are you scared?” Armin asked.

 

Eren silently shook his head no.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Eren clenched his hands, digging his nails into his palms. He started to shake as his typically strong and defiant façade started to melt away. A sob escaped his throat before the tears began to leak from his eyes. “I-I’m so scared, Armin,” he gasped. Armin threw his arms around Eren’s neck and held him tight.

 

“It’s gonna be okay. You have the best people taking care of you. And _this_ intern lasted a week. That’s more than the last one. At least that’s a good sign.”

 

Eren tried to speak through whimpers, but nothing intelligible came out. He clutched Armin’s shirt at the shoulder and cried into his neck. As he began to calm down, Armin could hear him repeating the same sentence in barely a whisper. “I don’t wanna die…I don’t wanna die…”

 

“Sh, sh, shh….” Armin lightly rubbed Eren’s upper back. “You’re not gonna die.”

 

“You’re gonna fight, Eren,” Mikasa interrupted as she walked in with Jean.

 

At the sight of him, Eren sat back up straight and frantically wiped his face. “What do _you_ want, Kirschtein?”

 

“Well, that was quick,” Armin commented on Eren’s switch in demeanor.

 

“Save it, Jaeger. I just wanted to come in and see the people who visit you to show them how you managed to make it through those tests last week.” He lifted his shirt to reveal a nasty green and purple bruise just over his hip.

 

“Holy shit,” Mikasa gaped. “What did you do?”

 

“I took a donkey kick from this asshole. We had to restrain him.”

 

Armin stifled a laugh. “That’s fantastic. But not as bad as what happened to Marco, right?”

 

“In my defense,” Eren started, “he wasn’t supposed to get anything like that. He was just wandering in with urine samples and happened to be right in the line of fire when I threw my basin. Did he leave for the day already?”

 

“Yeah,” Jean said, moving to the whiteboard to write his information down. “But he'll be back later. It's my first night shift and they want me to partner with someone.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t get to ask,” Mikasa added, “when are the tests from the bloodwork and spinal tap coming back?”

 

“They should be back tonight. Dr. Ackerman has a late day today, so he said said he’s stopping in later. He probably has them already,” he capped the marker. “I’ve gotta take your vitals. You guys are welcome to stay, but visiting hours are almost up.”

 

"Yeah, we should get going." Armin said, putting his jacket back on. “I have to meet with my study abroad advisor tomorrow morning.”

 

“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll see you guys next week?”

 

“Of course,” Mikasa said, pulling her brother in for a hug. “We have to give this jetsetter a proper send-off.”

 

Armin turned pink. “Oh, stop it. Come here,” he hugged Eren. “You’ll be okay. And I’ll see you soon.”

 

Eren nodded and the two made their way out of the room. “I love you, guys.”

 

“Love you, too,” they said back with a smile before closing the door behind them. Eren stared at the door wishing for it to open again and bring them back.

 

“Hello?” Jean tried getting Eren's attention. “Just let me take these and then I’ll leave you alone to daydream.”

 

“Whatever,” Eren sighed, sitting back down.

 

“But before that,” Jean reached into his pocket and pulled out a muffin wrapped in a napkin. “Here.”

 

“Ooh,” Eren took it and unwrapped it. “Yo, double chocolate chip. Not bad, Kirschtein.”

 

“I try.” Jean put the eartips of his stethoscope in and guided Eren so that his back was facing him. “Breathe in. Out. Again. Again…. Sounds good. Let me hear your heart,” Eren turned and faced Jean again. Pressing the chestpiece to Eren’s chest, he instructed, “In. And out. Whoa.”

 

“What?”

 

“Your heart’s racing. Are you okay?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just excited about this chocolate muffin,” he spat before sinking his teeth into the treat.

 

“Uh, okay.” Jean scratched his neck before bringing his stethoscope around his neck again.

 

“Pulse time. I’m gonna take it from your wrist, okay?”

 

Eren shrugged. Jean took Eren’s right wrist in his hand and placed two fingers on the easy-to-find radial artery. “Ew!” Crumbs blew out from Eren’s mouth. “The fuck is up with your hands? They’re sweaty and gross.”

 

“O-Oh, sorry.” He rubbed his hands on his pants and went back to taking Eren’s pulse. “Better.”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” Eren gave Jean a skeptical look. “What’s with you?”

 

“Nothing!” He snapped back. “What’s with you?”

 

“You’re being weird.” Eren said, eating the last of the muffin.

 

“You’ve known me for, like, a week.”

 

“And I’ve seen you every day for the past week so I know if you’re acting weird.”

 

“Shut up,” Jean retorted, taking notes on his clipboard. “Blood pressure.”

 

As Jean wrapped the arm band of the sphygmomanometer around Eren’s arm, Levi came into the room with Erwin close behind. Eren sighed. “What do you two want?”

 

“To talk about the results of the tests and prep you for your scans tomorrow, so calm down,” Levi reprimanded. “Kirschtein, keep going with the measurements.”

 

“Just have the temp to do,” Jean reported as he put the device away and took out the electronic thermometer.

 

“Okay, Eren,” Levi started.

 

“Yes, Dr. Ackerman?” Eren sassed back.

 

Levi shot him a derisive look. “The tests from last week came back.”

 

“And? God, what’s with the dramatics. Just spit it out already.”

 

“You do this, Erwin. I can't deal with this kid right now,” Levi sighed as he took a seat in the corner of the room

 

“Eren,” Erwin began, “the tests show evidence that the cancer’s spreading. I won't get into the details of what we found,” he sat on the bed across from Eren, “but after we do scans tomorrow, it'll be more conclusive.”

 

Silence fell over the four of them. The sound of the thermometer’s beep sounded like thunder over the resounding nothingness that filled the room.

 

“39 Celsius,” Jean whispered, scratching the results onto his clipboard. He rested it on the adjustable table and leaned against the wall and watched as Eren took in the news. His patient stared at the tile floor, with his back to Levi and Erwin.

 

“Eren,” Erwin said, trying to get some sort of acknowledgement out of him. “Eren, there are treatment options. It’s not a death sentence.”

 

No response. Eren’s eyes were glazed over and he hadn’t heard a word since the word “spreading” came out of Erwin’s mouth. All he could think of was Armin and Mikasa leaving not 15 minutes ago and wishing so badly to be able to go with them. It might not have been a death sentence, but it felt like life without parole. _What now?_

 

“We can talk about what it’s gonna be like going forward after your scans tomorrow and we see where the cancer spread,” Levi explained, rising from his seat. “You still have to take your medication tonight and we’ll be back in the morning,” he said moving towards the door. Erwin followed suit. “Get some sleep,” Levi ordered. “And try not to worry until we have solid results.” The door shut behind them leaving Eren and Jean in the room.

 

 Eren remained frozen, staring at the floor. Jean kept close watch while shaking a pill from an orange bottle and setting it next to a cup of water on the table. “You should take your –”

 

“ _Try not to worry?!_ ” Eren bellowed as he chucked his basin at the door. “That’s all you have to say to me?! You fucking _assholes_!” He flipped the adjustable table, sending the water and medication to the floor. Eren seethed as he kicked the chairs across the room. “Right after they left. _Right_ after they left. Why couldn’t you just fucking tell me when they were here, you pompous son of a bitch!” He was screaming at the door, doubled over as he supported his weight with his hands on his knees. “Oh, god.” He scrambled for the basin and managed to throw the chocolate muffin right back up into it. His dinner came next. Jean rushed over to his side with a second small bottle of water from his pocket. “Come on,” he whispered, picking Eren up by his arm and the basin with his other hand.

 

“Let go of me,” Eren breathed, feebly trying to fight Jean off.

 

“Lay down.” Jean guided him onto the bed and adjusted his legs so that he was fully stretched out. “I’m gonna be right in the bathroom cleaning this out. Call me if you need it, okay?”

 

Eren rubbed his head, wincing as a headache pulsed harder within his skull. He said nothing except for barely audible counting under deliberate breathing. Jean went over to the bathroom sink to wash out the vomit from the basin when he heard Eren retch again. _Oh, no._ He poked his head through the doorway to find Eren leaning over the side of his bed with sick splattering onto the floor. Jean made his way over and pulled him up. “I told you to call me.” Eren leaned back onto his pillow and heaved a sigh and said, “I don’t need your help.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Jean muttered. “Shit, it’s on your shirt and pants. Okay,” he decided. “I’ll be back with a change of clothes for you. I might have something around here, okay?”

 

He grunted weakly.

 

“Be right back.” Jean made his way to the door.

 

“Hey,” Eren whispered through a raspy voice. “Th-Thanks.”

 

Jean’s face flushed at the unexpected admission of gratitude. “J-Just, shut up and rest. I’ll be back.” He shut the door as he left the room

 

***

 

“For the last time, no. I’m not taking one, too,” Jean sighed, holding the pill and a cup of water out for Eren. It took almost half an hour to find and get Eren into his extra scrubs. They were a little long on him, but they were wearable. They were pure white, accentuating is caramel skin.

 

“Fine,” Eren groaned, tossing the pill in his mouth and washing it down with a swig of water. “I'm gonna feel like shit again in an hour, you know.”

 

“Then buzz for one of us.”

 

“Oh.” Eren fiddled with his hands. “Right.”

 

“What?” Jean gathered the dirty clothes and trash. “Y-You don't want me to –”

 

“No! Just go,” Eren grabbed the remote and clicked on the TV. Jean snatched the remote from him and turned it off.

 

“I-I can stay if you want me to.”

 

Jean looked over to Eren. His green eyes were staring back at him. They wanted to say yes. They wanted to tell Jean that he didn't want to be alone tonight. That he needed someone by his side. But before anything could escape Eren’s lips, someone knocked at the door. “What?” he sighed and rolled his eyes.

 

Marco popped his head into the the room. “Jean, I need your help in room 214. Patient’s didn’t make it to the bathroom after taking their colonoscopy solution.”

 

“Oh, shit,” Eren gasped. “Pun intended. Have fun with that,” he said to Jean, turning the TV back on.

 

“I'll be there in a second.”

 

Marco nodded and closed the door. Jean turned to Eren again and said, “I'll be back when I finish. Okay?”

 

“Whatever. Just wash your damn hands.”

 

"Yeah, yeah.” Jean waved his hand, brushing off Eren’s snide remark. He left the room and shut the door behind him, nearly colliding with Marco.

 

“You can't stay in there with him, you know,” Marco said, arms crossed.

 

“If he needs someone there, I'll be there. It's not like anyone else in this wing is in the same condition as him.”

 

“Listen to you. Jean,” Marco started walking towards the nurses’ station, “you're talking like you're his friend or family. I get that you want to help him, but you have a responsibility to the rest of the patients here. You can't –”

 

“I know what I can and can't do, Marco,” Jean snapped, following behind. “It's just,” he sighed, “he's comfortable with me. I think he trusts me.”

 

“Trusts you? You've been here a week.”

 

“He let me get him clothes and put them on him after he puked all over himself.”

 

Marco was silent. “Just be careful.” He put his hand on Jean’s shoulder. “It's just I'm glad we’re finally working together and I don't want you to get in trouble.”

 

“I know,” Jean smirked. “All because of those _stupid_ lab courses. Otherwise we would've gotten internships and nurse positions at the same time.”

Marco took a seat on his swivel chair behind the desk. “Don't forget about that dick of a professor who failed you for dropping that cadaver.”

 

“Ugh, what a jerk. Wait,” Jean looked back towards room 214 which was at the opposite end of the hall, “what about 214?”

 

“Oh there was no mess, I just wanted to get you out here to talk to you about that.”

 

“You're ridiculous.” Jean leaned up against the counter. “So how much more school do you have anyway?”

 

“Just a year. Then I can apply for residency and stuff. How're your classes?”

 

“Eh.”

 

“Eh?”

 

“There's just so much memorization. I'm dreading the midterm. It's in a month and I swear I have no idea how I'm gonna remember this shit.”

 

“I can help you study, you know.” Marco mindlessly played with the scrolling wheel on the mouse.

 

“I'll let you know.”

 

The call light went on for room 208. Jean and Marco exchanged a look. “Just go. I know you want to,” Marco gestured down the hallway.

 

“Thanks.” Jean quickly walked down to Eren’s room and opened the door. Eren stood at the foot of his bed facing the door, barefoot on the tile floor. He clutched at the edges of the shirt sleeves that hung a bit too long. “What's wrong?” Jean asked, shutting the door.

 

Eren wrung his hands and and looked down as he curled his toes against the cold floor. “S-Stay. Please?”

 

Jean sighed. “Of course. Let's get you back into bed.”

 

Eren let go of Jean and climbed onto his bed. “You tell anyone about this and I'll kill you, I swear.”

 

"Well, Marco knows that I'm –”

 

“I'm not talking about you being in here,” Eren interrupted. “I'm talking about – never mind.”

 

“Whatever. I'm here now. What do you want me to do?”

 

Eren let out a sigh and slumped down on the bed. “Just stay. I can't be alone after today.” He avoided eye contact and squeezed his fingers again. Jean reached over and put his hand over Eren’s.

 

“Relax.” He removed his hand and took a seat at the foot of the bed. “How're you feeling?”

 

Eren shrugged.

 

"Let's get your mind off of this. Wanna play a game?”

 

“What kind of game?”

 

“A question game.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“I want to get to know you better.”

 

“Why?” Eren sat up and crossed his legs.

 

“I just do. So you wanna play?”

 

“Don’t you have paperwork to do?” Eren glanced over at the stack of files on the chair across the room.

 

“Do you want to play or not?”

 

“Okay, sure.”

 

“Okay,” Jean pulled his legs up on the bed and sat crossed-legged facing Eren. “What's your favorite color?”

 

“Red. Yours?”

 

“Green. Your turn.”

 

“Uh, okay.” Eren paused. “Favorite food?”

 

“Hm.” Jean looked away and thought for a moment. “Omelets.”

 

“Seriously?” Eren said through a chuckle. “That's so weird.”

 

“How is that weird? It's eggs and anything you want inside.”

 

“Whatever you say. I haven't had an omelet since I've been here and all I remember are shitty, oversized diner omelets.”

 

“Oh, we’ll see what we can do about that. What's yours?”

 

“Not hospital food.”

 

“Obviously.”

 

“Fine. Anything baked. I fucking love desserts and pastry shit.”

 

“Explains why you liked the muffins so much,” Jean said through a smile.

 

“Heh. Yeah.”

 

The questions slowly got deeper and more personal. Childhood memories, embarrassing moments, and awkward sexual encounters were whispered for only themselves and the walls to hear. Giggling and gasping for air peppered the conversation. As Eren opened up more and more, he felt his nausea recede and evolve into sleepiness. By 3am, the two were roaring laughing at how ridiculous their answers were when Eren let out an enormous yawn.

 

"You should get to sleep,” Jean said, rising from the bed, wiping a tear from his eyes that escaped while laughing over a story about how Eren wiped out into a lake on his bike when he was ten because he was trying to get away from a pissed off Mikasa.

 

“What if I don't wanna sleep?”

 

Jean crossed his arms. “Then what do you wanna do?”

 

Eren stood up and faced Jean. “I-I don't know. I mean,” he ran his hand behind his neck and steered his glance down to the floor. “It means a lot that you stayed so long.” He curled his toes and fidgeted in place, unsure of what do to next. He stole a look up to Jean who was playing with his fingers and watching him.

 

“I-I, um, I've gotta –” Jean motioned to the hallway and Marco.

 

“O-Oh, right.” Eren sat back down on the bed. Jean placed his hand on his shoulder. “You should probably go.”

 

“Yeah. Listen, um,” Jean’s cheeks began to flush. “Tonight was fun.”

 

“I guess.”

 

Jean cleared his throat. “I'm gonna go.” He started moving to the door.

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

“I'll see you tomorrow.”

 

Eren looked up at Jean who was twisting the handle to open it. “You're working tomorrow? Another night shift?”

 

Jean swung the door open. “The perks of being the new guy.”

***

 

The next afternoon, Eren flipped through he channels mindlessly. A morning of scans and waiting left him glazed over, staring at a box with colors on the screen, not perceiving any of the pictures or sounds. Not to mention that 4pm television left a lot to be desired, with banal talk-shows and trash TV on the basic cable channels. His headache was background at best today – a light pulsing in the forehead that, if he did enough distracting activity, he could ignore successfully. But with the lack of entertainment, the headache grew more pronounced. “I need to get out of here,” he whispered to himself. As he left his room he could only hear the sound of Erwin and Levi muttering to each other, not giving him answers right away. _They said they'd meet with me again,_ he thought. The last test finished almost three hours ago. He stopped at the nurse’s station.

 

“Hey, um, is Kirschtein working today? He said he'd be here.”

 

“He’ll be here in a bit. Something wrong?” the nurse asked, flatly. This midday nurse between Marco and Jean didn't do or say much.

 

“No, it's fine, uh, who are you again?”

 

The nurse looked up from the computer with annoyed eyes. “Just go back to your room. I'll tell Jean that you were looking for him.”

 

“No, it's fine. Don't.”

 

“But –”

 

“ _Don't,_ ” he hissed, heading back to the room. His bare feet smacked against the tile floor and echoed down the hallway, he kept his gaze away from visiting strangers.

 

"Hey," a voice whispered. Eren stopped and looked around. “In here.” He looked over to room 206 and saw a short guy about the same age as him peeking out from his ajar door. His bald head glinted in the artificial light.

 

“Oh, you're the leukemia kid, right?”

 

He sighed. “I prefer Connie but I guess that'll do.”

 

“What do you want?” Eren asked, arms crossed impatiently.

 

"Just come in here,” Connie snapped back. Eren obliged reluctantly. He followed Connie into his room and found walls covered with photos. Friends, family, and a brown-haired girl who looked like a girlfriend. Connie ran his hands over his scalp. “You've got a problem, don't you?”

 

Eren scoffed. “Isn't that why all of us are in this hospital?”

 

“I'm not talking about us. I'm talking about _you_.”

 

“What about me? I don't have a prob –”

 

“You have a thing for Jean.”

 

"The fuck are you talking –”

 

“Don't bother doing that thing you do.” Connie said as he moved to his bed and sat down with a grunt. “My room is literally right next to yours and these walls aren't thick.” Eren stood speechless as Connie pulled his legs up onto the bed and reclined. “Not bad for ‘leukemia kid,’ huh?”

 

Eren sighed. “Guess not. And whether I have a thing for Kirschtein or not isn't important.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“B-Because!” he spat. “He’s just taking care of me and I'm-I’m just –”

 

“Just what?” Connie prodded, opening up his own cup of Jello.

 

“Forget it. I'm out of here.” Eren turned on his heels and made a beeline to the door.

 

"Eren," Connie called, stopping him in his tracks. “You get one shot. Just take it.”

 

Eren walked out and slammed the door behind him. “Idiot,” he muttered under his breath before wheeling into his own room next door. He was greeted by Levi and Erwin sitting on his bed. “Fuckin’ great.”

 

“Hello to you, too, Jaeger.” Levi shot.

 

“Afternoon, Eren.” Erwin greeting in stark contrast to his sarcastic counterpart.

 

“Can I have my bed back. _Please.”_ The two rose synchronously and Eren took their place on his bed. “Now, what do you want?”

 

“I'll just cut to the chase,” Levi sighed. “You've got a tumor growing in your back and the only way to get it treated is through chemotherapy. Four to six weekly sessions should do it since it’s small. It's not going to do anything for the main tumor in your brain, but we have to act fast.”

 

“We’re working on getting a surgeon in for the tumor in your brain. I know –”

“You said yourself that surgery could affect my speech, motor control, and personality shit,” he interrupted. “We agreed not to do this.”

 

“Shut up, will you?” Levi scolded. “This is someone I went to school with. She's a prominent brain surgeon who just finished a two-year research project. Dr. Petra Ral.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“We sent her your patient file. She finally got back to us and she thinks she might be able to do it,” Erwin added.

 

“But,” Levi moved over to the door and shut it, “it's going to take her at least a month or two to get here. So, chemo starts tonight when Kirschtein gets here, which should be any minute actually.” The door opened again. “Speak of the devil.”

 

Jean walked in and set his school bag on the chair across from the bed. “Hey,” he nodded towards Eren who looked away. “Okay then. What's going on?”

 

“We were just telling Eren that we have to start him on chemotherapy immediately. The scans revealed a mass in his back which tests suggest is a metastatic tumor,” Erwin explained. “We need you to administer the first injection tonight.” He handed Jean a vial. “The tools are in the case in the drawer for an angiocatheter. In a couple days we'll put in a PICC line for the other administrations.”

 

“You're not staying?” Jean asked.

 

“No, we have to meet in 206 to discuss next steps.”

 

Eren's head jerked up. “Are you talking about Connie? That kid with leukemia?”

 

Erwin and Levi exchanged a surprised look at Eren’s knowledge of someone outside of the staff. “Yes,” Erwin admitted. “We’re discussing his next phase of treatment.”

 

“Erwin, come on,” Levi urged. “Let's go.”

 

The two headed for the door. “Good luck. We’ll be back later.” The door closed behind them, leaving Eren and Jean alone.

 

Eren looked over to Jean. “Hey.”

 

Jean cleared his throat. “How're you feeling?”

 

“An angiocatheter means a needle, doesn’t it?” he replied with trepidation. He watched as Jean took a case out from a drawer and opened it, revealing a syringe and other medical tools that Eren hoped he'd never have to see.

 

"It's like what you do to put in an IV.” Jean started to assemble everything and prepare the dosage for Eren. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Eren crumble in fear. His eyes were trained on the syringe.

 

“Listen. It's going to be fine, I promise.”

 

"Easy for you to say.” Eren's voice was shaking and breathing labored.

 

Jean finished assembling the components for the angiocatheter and rested his hand on Eren’s cheek. “Just look at me the whole time. Okay? Don't look at your arm, don't look at what I'm holding. It's just you and me, okay?”

 

“I-I can't. Please don't do it. Please –”

 

“It's just you,” he interrupted, voice calm, “and me.” He reached over and rested his hand on Eren’s cheek. “Eyes on me, okay?” Eren nodded feebly.

 

Jean wiped down Eren’s arm with alcohol. “You're gonna feel a little pinch, okay?” He kept glancing up at Eren, making sure he wasn't looking at his arm. He quickly pushed the angiocatheter into his vein. “You're doing great.” He looked for a flash of deep red to indicate that it was in properly. When he saw it he reached for the filled needle.

 

Eren’s eyes widened and his fists clenched. “Fuck this, I can't –”

 

“Eyes. On. Me,” Jean sternly instructed. Eren looked him dead in the eyes and fell silent as Jean deftly inserted the needle into the tubing, injecting the medication directly into Eren’s bloodstream. He quickly removed the needle and tossed it into the sharps disposal box. He slid the angiocatheter out quickly and discarded that along with it.

 

“You did it,” Jean smiled as he bandaged Eren up.

“Y-yeah,” he whispered back, watching as Jean finished dressing the small wound. He felt his face warm up. “H-how did you?”

 

“How did I what?”

 

“Nothing. Just, make sure you're here for all of these stupid injections.”

 

"Why?"

 

“Just do it,” Eren hissed back, running his finger over his bandage.

 

"Hey.”

 

“Hm?”

 

Jean looked into Eren’s eyes as he struggled to find words. “I-I, um, I'm proud of you.”

 

Eren sat up and shuffled closer to Jean. “I couldn't have done it if it wasn't you.” He apprehensively reached for his hand and rested two fingers in Jean’s palm. “Your hands are sweaty.”

 

Jean pulled them away and wiped them on his pants. “Sorry.”

 

Someone knocked on the door hard. “Jean, I wanna go home. Get out here.” It was the midday nurse.

 

“I'll see you later,” Jean sighed, grabbing his bag and moving to the door.

 

“O-Okay.”

 

The door closed and Eren flopped on his back as he covered his face with his hands.


	3. Sunrise

“Are you serious?” Eren choked out between cackles.

 

Connie shrugged. “Swear to god. They threw us right out. Middle of our anniversary dinner. The best part is, she was still hungry, so she grabbed her plate and left with it. It’s still sitting in our kitchen.”

 

“Are you telling Eren about that time I told off a waiter because he tried to cheat me on my steak?” asked the girl in the photos scattered about Connie’s walls.

 

“Hey, Sasha,” Eren greeted. “Sorry I've been hogging up all of your visiting time.”

 

“It's okay,” she reassured, pulling up a chair next to Connie’s bedside. “It's nice to have another person in here. Still feeling like crap?”

 

“We have cancer,” Connie deadpanned. “We _always_ feel like crap.”

 

“I meant because of chemo, you dork,” Sasha snapped back.

 

Eren chuckled. “Yeah, it's like I can't remember what it's like to not be nauseous with this and the other medicine. And then there's the hair.” He ran his hand through the thinning mop of messy brown hair on his head.

 

“For a month of chemo, it's not that bad. But, we could always shave you like Connie here. I'm not half bad with a razor.”

 

Eren shrugged. “I don't know. This round should be done soon and they said that should take care of it. I'm due for another set of tests or something in a day or so.”

 

“You seem to be handling needles better. It wouldn't have anything to do with _Mister_ _Kirschtein_ , would it?” Connie inquired, raising his one eyebrow as far as it would go.

 

"I don't know what you're talking about.”

 

“Wait, what?” Sasha chimed in. “Eren, do you have a thing for Jean?!”

 

“I don't know what you're talking about,” he repeated.

 

“Come on, man, just admit it. You like him. We've been talking every day for the last month and every time he comes in you get all weird and every time I bring him up, you turn red.”

 

“Oh my god, look at his face!” Sasha squealed as Eren's face slowly turned redder and redder.

 

“You guys are asses.”

 

“You just have to admit it and I'll stop bugging you about it,” Connie teased, adjusting his position on the bed. He fixed his pillows and reclined against them, stretching his legs.

 

“There's nothing to admit, so drop it.”

 

“Don't make me hit you.”

 

“You can't hit me, I'm sick.”

 

“I'm sicker than you, so you're fair game.” Connie sat up and leaned forward. He cracked his knuckles.

 

“You won't.” Eren turned to Sasha. “He won't, right?”

 

“He might.” She tossed a piece of bread from Connie’s dinner plate into her mouth.

 

"Say it.” Eren remained silent. Connie smacked his face.

 

“Ow! You fuckin’ did it!” He felt his cheek growing hot.

 

“Say it!” Connie goaded. He rubbed his hands together.

 

"For someone who’s virtually bedridden you're pretty – OW!”

 

Connie smacked him harder.

 

“For god’s sake, just –”

 

_Smack!_

“Let me –”

 

_Smack!_

 

“OKAY!” Eren bellowed.

 

"Okay what?” Connie warned, winding his hand up for another hit.

 

“I,” he sighed. “I don't know”

 

_Smack!_

 

“Connie, stop,” Sasha scolded through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

 

“Sorry, it was too much fun.”

 

Sasha sat next to Eren. “What is it?” She ran her hand up and down his back.

 

Eren looked down at the floor and his bare feet. He didn't say anything. Connie swung his legs around and sat on the other side of him.

 

“Come on. Bro, talk to me.”

 

“Bro?” Eren asked skeptically.

 

“Yeah, we’re bros.” He put his fist out for Eren to bump, which, after a second, he did. “Now tell me.”

 

Eren shrugged. “Con,” he sighed, tears forming in the corners of his eyes, “I like him so much.” He clutched his pants at his thighs. “I-I don't…”

 

“You don't what?”

 

“I don't know what to do. He came in to give me a dose of chemo the other day and we do this thing where I have to look right at him or I freak out about the needle and it's gotten to the point where my heart starts fucking racing and my palms are sweaty and UGH.”

 

“Well, first of all,” Connie began, glancing over to Sasha, “adorable.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Connie sighed and Sasha’s hand rested on Eren’s shoulder. “Well,” Sasha began, “what do you _want_ to do?”

 

“I-I wanna tell him.”

 

“Then tell him,” Connie blurted out. “What's the worst that can happen?”

 

“He says he doesn't like me back? And then it gets weird. He’s still an intern here. It's not like I can avoid him.”

 

"There's that. But,” Connie started to get up on his feet.

 

“Connie,” Sasha jumped up and supported her boyfriend. The two moved so that he was right in front of Eren.

 

“But,” he continued, “you've got one shot.”

 

"Take it,” Eren said through a smirk. “You told me this already.”

 

“I know. And I still think you should.” There was a knock at the door. “Come in.” Sasha helped Connie back onto his bed.

 

Jean poked his head in. “Hey, Connie, Sasha, oh, hi, Eren. What're you doing here?”

 

“Just talking with these two.”

 

“Okay. Well, I need to talk to you next, so I'll be in your room. Sasha, visiting hours are up.”

 

“Oh, okay. Can I say goodbye? Then I'll go, I promise,” she said.

 

Jean nodded and left.

 

“Eren,” Sasha whispered, “go into your room. Maybe now’s your chance.”

 

"Go tell him, man.” Connie pushed his fist into Eren’s arm.

 

“Ow,” Eren winced. “That's the port, you idiot.”

 

“Sorry. But go, we’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Okay. Tomorrow. Bye, Sasha.” Eren stood up and walked to the door as he waved back to Sasha. He walked out into the hallway and swung around into his room to find Jean sitting on the edge of his bed in regular clothes. Jeans, a t-shirt with some band’s name on it, and a striped zip-up hoodie. He looked like a normal college student.

 

“Hi, where’s that annoying intern?”

 

“Very funny,” Jean retorted. “I just got off and wanted to get out of my scrubs.”

 

“Oh right.” Eren walked over to the window and peeked out between the blinds. The moon was bright in the sky, but threatened by a sheet of dark clouds quickly encroaching upon the moonlight. “So what'd you wanna talk about?” He kept his breathing as steady as possible. He felt nausea continue to bubble in the background.

 

“Well, I have a problem.”

 

 _Oh, God. Is he gonna say it?_ “Oh? And what's that?” Eren turned around leaned against the windowsill, cracking his knuckles.

 

Jean picked his school bag and pulled out a notebook. “I need help for an exam tomorrow. It's so much memorization and no one’s around to help me, so –”

 

“So I'm your last resort because I can't leave?” Eren deadpanned, arms crossed.

 

“Eren, please, I have to pass this exam and I could really use your help. I'll do anything. I'll get muffins. Cakes. Doughnuts. You name it.”

 

Eren’s stomach grumbled. “Well, I didn't eat dinner thanks to my stupid-ass medication. Get me something to eat. Something not from this place.”

 

Jean sprung up to his feet. “What do you wanna eat?”

 

“Just…really good pizza. And Coke. And more of whatever this is.”

 

“Whatever what is?”

 

“This begging for my help. I can get used to this.”

 

Jean scowled. “Shut up. I'll be back in half an hour.”

 

“It better be good pizza or I'm not helping you!” Eren called as Jean wheeled out of the room and barreled down the hallway. Skipping the elevator, he threw open the door to the stairwell and hopped down the stairs to the first floor. As he reached the sliding glass doors at the entrance of the hospital, a flash of lightning stopped him in his tracks and a clap of thunder echoed within his chest. Seconds later, rain battered the ground.

 

“Great,” he sighed.

 

An hour and a half, three near-collisions, and $50 worth of pizza, Coke, and doughnuts later, Jean trudged back into the hospital and up to the second floor dripping with rainwater. His sneakers squeaked on the tile floor and left a trail from the front door all the way to Eren’s room. He balanced everything on top of the two boxes of pizza and went to open the door. As he reached for the knob, it swung open and he was greeted by Eren, arms crossed and scowling.

 

“What the hell took you so long?”

 

“Excuse me, if you haven’t noticed it’s pouring outside. Here,” he shoved the food into Eren’s arms and peeled off his hoodie. “Oh my god, this is ridiculous.”

 

“For the record,” Eren placed the food down on his bedside table, “here.” He tossed Jean an extra pair of scrubs.

 

“What’s this?”

 

“I knew it was raining so I asked the overnight nurse to bring them for you,” he pulled out the first pizza and opened it on his adjustable table. He ignored the nausea that simmered in the background. “Fuckin’ awesome.” He took a slice and chomped down on it.

 

“Th-Thanks, I guess,” Jean stuttered, taken aback by Eren’s thoughtfulness.

 

“Go change. You’re shivering.” Tomato sauce and cheese stuck to his chin. Jean went into the bathroom and shut the door so that he could change. “So what are you studying?” Eren called out so Jean could hear. He grabbed Jean’s school bag from the chair and emptied it on the bed. A notebook and a textbook titled “Human Anatomy: An Exploration” fell out with a thud.

 

“Anatomy,” Jean said, emerging from the bathroom. “The exam is cumulative and I have to know everything from chapters 1-6.”

 

“Oh shit, that’s a lot.” Eren flipped through Jean’s notebook, which was extraordinarily neat and organized by chapter, topic, and subsection with highlighting and margin notes. “Whoa. Are you sure you need help? Looks like you’ve got everything –”

 

“Yes,” Jean interrupted. Clearing the bed and sitting at the foot, Jean took the notebook from Eren and flipped back to chapter 1. “I highlighted all the definitions in purple. Just give me the phrase and I’ll give you the definition or whatever.”

 

“Ugh, let me at least eat first.” Eren scooped up another slice and took a swig of Coke.

 

“How many have you had?”

 

“Not enough,” Eren mumbled through a mouthful.

 

“You might wanna slow down.”

 

“I’m fine. The worst was the other day. Let’s just do this.” He wiped his hands on his pants before taking the notebook back and sitting opposite Jean. Jean fidgeted and wiped sweaty palms on his pants. “What’s wrong with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. You know this _isn’t_ the test.”

 

“N-Nothing! I’m fine. Let’s go.”

 

Eren felt his stomach flip. He couldn’t tell if it was because of Jean or the pizza, but he ignored it either way and looked for the first thing highlighted.

 

"Uh, let's see.” He ran his finger down the page. “Here. What’s the study of anatomy?”

 

“It’s the study of the structure of the body.”

 

“Physiology?”

 

“The function of the parts.”

 

“Okay,” Eren flipped to the next page. “Difference between microscopic and macroscopic anatomy?”

 

“Uh, micro is what can be studied with the naked eye –”

 

“WRONG. Oh my god, you’re such an idiot.”

 

“Shut up!” Jean snapped. “Micro is what needs to be studied with a microscope and macro is what can be seen with the naked eye. God, simple mistake.” He looked down at the bed and adjusted his bare feet, sliding them under the blanket. They grazed against something warm. “O-Oh, sorry.”

 

Eren pulled his feet back and slid them under himself, sitting on them. “It’s fine. Next?”

 

Jean nodded.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, just ask me the next one.”

 

“No, tell me what your problem is.”

 

Jean sighed. “It’s not important. Just give me the next one.”

 

“Don’t make me slap you,” Eren warned as he placed the notebook next to him. He cracked his knuckles.

 

“You won’t slap me.”

 

“Wanna bet? Tell me.”

 

“No.”

 

_Smack!_

 

“OW! What the fuck?! I'm just nervous for the test.” He rubbed his cheek. “That hurt, you asshole.”

 

“It worked though,” Eren beamed. “Gotta thank Connie for that tomorrow.”

 

“Connie? Why?”

 

Eren shrugged. “He did it to me once. Earlier. Sometimes it still hurts.”

 

“Oh my god, you got slapped by Connie?”

 

“Moving on.” Eren grabbed the notebook and found the next word. “What’s the prefix ‘acro’ mean?”

 

“Why’d he slap you?”

 

“Not important. ‘Acro’?”

 

“Fine,” Jean grunted. “It means extremities.”

 

10, 11, and midnight passed along with chapters 1, 2, and 3. Eren continued to eat pizza and the occasional doughnut, washing it down with some soda. As he started chapter 4, he put the notebook down and swung his legs over the bed and looked to the floor, concentrating on his breathing.

 

“What’s wrong?” Jean asked, tossing the last of a chocolate frosted doughnut into his mouth. Eren didn’t respond. “Eren?”

 

“Give me the basin,” he whispered.

 

“What –?”

 

“ _Give me the basin!_ ”

 

Jean snatched the basin off of the floor and handed it to Eren just in time for all of his pizza, Coke, and doughnuts to be thrown up into it. Three rounds of retching and vomiting emptied Eren’s stomach and left him weak and merely dangling from his bed. Jean quickly cleared the bed of notes and food. He took the basin from Eren and placed it carefully on the floor before propping Eren up against a couple pillows and stretching his legs out on the bed.

 

“Does your head hurt?”

 

Eren groaned and nodded. Forced tears escaped from the corner of his eyes and rolled down his cheek. Jean wiped them with his thumb while Eren’s breathing grew shaky. “I’m going to clean this,” Jean began, “If you need to puke again call me. I don’t have extra clothes this time.” Eren closed his eyes and covered his face with his hand.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered through a phlegm-laden throat.

 

“Shh. I’ll be right back.”

 

As Jean went into the bathroom to rinse the vomit from the basin, he could hear Eren sobbing on his bed. He quickly washed it and went back to Eren’s bedside and sat down next to him and reclined so that he was laying next to him with his legs dangling over the side of the bed. He held the basin in his left hand and put his right arm around Eren and pulled him in closer, guiding Eren’s head onto his chest.

 

“No,” Eren choked out. “No, you need to keep going.”

 

“Stop it.”

 

“Next word –”

 

“Eren,” Jean said sternly. “Lay down. We don’t have to do this. It’s late anyway, you should sleep.”

 

“I can’t sleep. I feel like shit.”

 

Jean sighed. “Well, let’s at least turn this light off, okay?” He reached up and flipped the switch that controlled the only fluorescent light in the room outside of the bathroom. Silence accompanied the dark, with the buzz from the light fading with the power switched off. Rain and wind blew against the window. The room was illuminated periodically by a flash of lightning. “I’ll stay until you get to sleep.”

 

“And if I don’t sleep?”

 

Jean paused and looked over to Eren. Another flash of lightning revealed Eren looking up at him with glossy eyes. “Then I stay all night.”

 

“Okay,” Eren whispered, resting his head back onto Jean’s chest. His breathing slowed and Jean could feel him relaxing into the space between his arm and torso. After a few minutes, Eren asked, “Why me?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Why are you here with me? Really?”

 

“I told you already –”

 

“You chose to stay here with me in a hospital to study? Marco’s not working tonight. He’d be better help.” Eren kept himself calm in order to keep his nausea at bay. Laying with Jean’s arm around him helped. He felt him shrug.

 

"He might be better help, but you’re better company.”

 

“Seriously? You’d rather have my nauseous, throwing up, pissed-off self than someone who can actually help you?” he asked in a whisper.

 

“Yeah, is that a bad thing?”

 

“Could be.”

 

“Why’s that?” Thunder boomed overhead.

 

“Because I’m a disaster. A sick, disaster of a person. Barely a person sometimes.”

 

“That’s a bit melodramatic, don’t you think?”

 

This time Eren shrugged. “That’s what happens when you watch soaps.”

 

Jean chuckled and Eren felt the laugh echo through his chest. He sighed and smiled. The two fell silent for awhile, letting the rain, wind, and thunder have their way outside. Jean felt himself drifting in and out of sleep and every so often Eren would let out a snore. He looked down at Eren’s face and placed his hand on his head feeling his thinning hair, brittle between his fingers. A couple strands fell onto his chest. His other hand hesitantly found Eren’s. He took Eren’s fingers between his own and ran his thumb over his knuckles. Jean’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He let go of Eren’s hand and fished for it. The bright backlight burned the time into his eyes.2:30am. There was a text from his mom. He quickly typed out a reply saying that he was stuck at the hospital and turned off the vibration before sliding the phone back into his pocket. He felt Eren stir.

 

“W-What’s going on?” Eren grumbled.

 

“Nothing, go back to sleep.”

 

“No, I don’t feel good again.”

 

Jean sat up and reached for the basin, bringing it closer to Eren. “What is it?”

 

“My head and stomach.”

 

“It’s gonna be fine, okay? I’m right here,” he rested his hand on Eren’s. “Right here.”

 

Eren turned and opened his hand and gripped Jean’s fingers. “Thanks.”

 

“Y-Yeah, no problem.” He sat up straighter and crossed his legs. Eren followed suit. “Tell me something,” he began, “what's the first thing you're gonna do when you get out of here?”

 

“You mean besides eat like a king?” he replied, shaking off sleep.

 

Jean laughed. “Besides that.”

 

“Travel, probably.”

 

“Where?”

 

“Germany. It's where my parents were from. I might have more family there and I-I was thinking about meeting them.”

 

"Germany?”

 

“You couldn't figure that out? I mean my last name’s Jaeger, for god’s sake. I thought med school nerds were supposed to be smart.”

 

“Shut up,” Jean retorted. “So do you even speak any German?”

 

“A little bit. Do you speak any languages? Besides medical crap that I don't fully understand?”

 

“I can fake my way through French. I took it in high school and kind of remember some of it.”

 

Eren put the basin on the adjustable table behind him and sat on his feet again, letting go of Jean’s hand. “Tell me something in French.”

 

“Uh, okay,” Jean thought for a moment. “Je m'appelle Jean. Your turn.”

 

“Mein Name ist Eren.”

 

“Well that's obvious,” Jean joked. “But that's really all I've got for French for now,” he yawned.

 

“Really? That's it? Sad.” Eren jabbed.

 

“Then tell me more German things.”

 

“Okay then,” Eren cleared his throat. “Sind wir Freunde?”

 

“What's that mean?”

 

“Not so obvious anymore, huh? I asked if we're friends.”

 

"Oh, well yeah. Of course.”

 

“Okay.” Eren sighed. “Um…. Magst du mich?”

 

Jean scratched his head. “Meaning?”

 

Eren felt himself start to blush as he formed the words to ask in English. “Do you like me?”

 

The room fell silent as wind howled outside. The rain continued to fall hard. A flash of lightning reflected off of Eren’s green eyes staring right at Jean.

 

“Can I ask you something first?” Jean wavered.

 

Eren gulped and wiped his sweating palms on his pants. “Mhm.”

 

“How do you say ‘I'm scared’?”

 

"I-Ich habe Angst…”

 

Jean cleared his throat. “Ich…habe…Angst…” He choked out.

 

“M-Me too,” Eren whispered.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because what if you don't like me back?”

 

Jean found Eren’s hand again and squeezed it. “Who couldn't like you back?”

 

“Um, _everybody_? Have you _met_ me?”

 

“Yeah. And well, um, I guess….” He trailed off and straightened back up. “Teach me something. How do you say kiss me?”

 

Eren swallowed hard. “K-Küss mich.” He felt his face start to burn. Jean shuffled closer to him.

 

“Again?”

 

“Küss mich…”

 

“Again?” Jean whispered, inching his face closer to Eren.

 

Eren barely breathed, “Küss…mich…”

 

Jean cupped Eren’s cheek with his hand and sighed, “One more time?”

 

“Küss mich…” he mouthed, the words barely perceptible.

 

Jean’s forehead met his and their noses brushed against each other’s. Eren ran his fingers along Jean’s cheek and jawline, down to his chin. When he tried to cup his chin and pull him in for a kiss, he felt a little resistance.  

 

“What's wrong?” Eren breathed. “I-I thought you wanted to kiss me…?”

 

Jean swallowed hard. “I do. I really do. But, I already told you,” he choked out, “I’m scared.”

 

“Of?”

 

“If-If I kiss you right now, admit that I have feelings for you, then-then it becomes real.” Jean ran his hand up and down Eren’s back, other hand holding his head up just underneath his jawline, fingertips brushing along Eren’s hairline.

 

“Is that a bad thing?”

 

“Wh-What if…” Jean’s voice broke as his thumb ran along Eren’s bottom lip. “What if they find out and take you from me? Or worse,” he took a deep breath and looked down at the bed, “what if I…what if I can’t save you?”

 

“You’re such an idiot,” Eren said, moving his hand from Jean’s face to his chest, lighting over his heart. He kept his eyes trained on Jean’s lips, wishing he could just lurch forward and plant his own there. The rain started to let up and turn to a light drizzle as the thunder rumbled in the distance.

 

“Wanna get out of here?”

 

Eren jerked his head back in surprise. “And go where?”

 

“Just yes or no?”

 

“Well, yeah, but –”

 

“Okay, come on.” He jumped off the bed and slipped on his dry sneakers. “Put your shoes on.”

 

Eren stood back up and looked down at the hospital slippers. “I hate these things.”

 

“Just do it.”

 

“Fine,” he grumbled, slipping them on. “Where the hell are you taking me?”

 

Jean extended his hand for Eren to take. He slipped his fingers between Jean’s and clutched his hand tight. “Now, _your_ hands are sweaty,” Jean teased.

 

“Shut up.”

 

Jean led the way out of Eren’s room and into the hallway, dimly lit by emergency backup lights. “Looks like the power went out while we were asleep. At least the generators kicked on.” They passed the currently unattended nurses station and went into the stairwell. Flight-by-flight, they trudged up to the sixth floor landing.

 

“I thought this hospital only had five floors,” Eren panted. “We left the basin didn’t we.” He doubled over and rested his hands on his knees, gasping for air.

 

“Come on, it’s just through here. You okay?”

 

Eren swallowed and stood back up. “Yeah.”

 

Jean pushed the door to the sixth floor and they were greeted by a warm breeze from an early summer morning. The smell of rain flooded Eren’s nose and the fresh air sent goose bumps up his arm and down his back. “Are we –?”

 

“On the roof? Yes.” Jean took Eren’s hand and led him out onto the flat cement surface dotted with puddles. The sky was clearing up, clouds giving way to a deep navy blue, tinted with the promise of a rising sun. The surrounding city, darkened by the power outage, surrendered to the stars and the moonlight breaking through the clouds. Eren looked up and watched as the storm clouds rolled to the horizon, taking with them the threat of thunder and lightning. Jean squeezed Eren’s hand.

 

"You're not gonna lose me,” Eren said, eyes trained on the stars overhead.

 

“You don’t know that.”

 

“Yeah I do.” He looked over to Jean who had been watching him the entire time. “Have you ever seen me _not_ put up a fight?”

 

Jean laughed. “Good point.” He took Eren’s other hand in his own. “I won’t let anyone take you from me, either.”

 

“Good.” He took half a step closer to Jean, their torsos barely an inch apart. “So?”

 

“So what?” Jean whispered, looking down into Eren’s eyes, desperately trying to maintain his composure.

 

“Are you gonna make it real?”

 

He sighed. This time it wasn’t a sigh of annoyance or disappointment. It wasn’t a sigh of impatience or petulance. With this sigh, he felt the weight of containing his feelings for Eren evaporate with the dissipated storm. He sighed into a smile that broke through a month and a half of straight faces and borderline professional attitudes. He felt the words come and, with them, the relief that he had the freedom to finally tell Eren what he’d felt since the first night he stayed with him.

 

“I-I like you, Eren.”

 

“Finally,” he breathed as he took his right hand from Jean’s grip and snaked it around his neck, yanking him in for a hard kiss that packed weeks and weeks of glances, tension, and words-caught-in-throats into one explosive release. Jean returned the kiss with the same level of intensity, his hands clawing at Eren’s shirt and pulling him in as tight as he could. He felt Eren’s lips part and immediately slid his tongue into Eren’s mouth. Eren giggled and proceeded to meet Jean’s tongue with his own. After a few moments, Jean broke the kiss and smiled at Eren.

 

“Why'd you stop…?” Eren whispered, inhibitions lost for a second.

 

"Look." Jean nodded his head, directing Eren to turn around. He did and Jean wrapped his arms around him and held him close, pressing his torso against Eren’s back and sliding his fingers in between Eren’s again. They looked out to the horizon, breeze tousling their hair, as the dawn broke and golden orange poured out over the city. The glass façade of buildings glinted gold in the sunrise that slowly rose until it bathed the two of them in warmth and morning glow. The few clouds that remained were cast in an ethereal shadow that hung in the sky like a glimpse into the night that just faded away.

 

"Wow....” Eren gaped, eyes wide at the sight of a fresh morning. “It's beautiful.”

 

“Like someone else I know,” Jean whispered as he ran his hand up Eren’s torso to his chin. He turned Eren’s head around and leaned forward to press a delicate kiss on his lips.

 

“Don't you get all sappy and shit on me. We both know I look like hell.”

 

Jean chuckled. “How're you feeling anyway?”

 

“Great actually. The fresh air is nice. And you're holding me. So…yeah.” Eren smiled and leaned back, looking back out over the city. Silence fell over the two of them again as morning fully broke.

 

"Good. Maybe we can keep coming up here, then.” Jean checked his phone. 6:45am. “We should head back in now though. I have to run home and get fresh clothes before my shift at 9.”

 

"I guess," Eren sighed. “They'll probably be looking for me soon anyway.”

 

The two turned and headed back to the door hand in hand. As the made their way down the stairs, Eren yawned incessantly. “You should rest today, you know.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. But this afternoon I find out who killed the mistress on that soap opera.”

 

“Yeah, we’ve gotta find something else to keep you busy.”

 

“It's not _that_ bad.” They turned the corner of the third floor landing and proceeded down their last flights of stairs. “Oh,” Eren continued, “when’s that brain surgeon Dr. Ackerman keeps talking about gonna get here?”

 

Jean shrugged. “They don't really tell us as much as you’d think.”

 

“Ugh, what's the point of having a boyfriend who works here if I don't get the insider information.”

 

“Boyfriend?” Jean stopped just before opening the door.

 

“W-Well, I thought, um –”

 

Jean pulled Eren in for one last kiss. “You thought right,” he whispered before opening the door to the second floor.

 

"Eren!" Sasha shrieked. She was accompanied by Erwin and Levi at the nurses’ station. Her eyes were heavy with tears and sleep still lingered on her eyelashes.

 

“Sasha? What happ –” The realization left Eren's face stone-cold and expressionless. “Where's Connie.”

 

Erwin and Levi exchanged a look.

 

“Where. Is. He.”

 

Jean put his hand on Eren's now-shaking shoulder.

 

“Eren,” Erwin began, “Connie didn't make it through the night. He passed around 5 this morning.”

 

“Th-That's impossible. I just saw him.”

 

“Jaeger, it is what it is –”

 

“No, he was just – I just – no! _I just saw him_!”

 

“Eren,” Jean whispered. “Let's get back in your room.”

 

“Let me see him!” He tore away from Jean and bolted into room 206, barreling past Erwin and Levi. Eren barged into the room and found Connie still in his bed, peaceful. “Connie,” Eren choked. “Con’, you've gotta wake up. I have to tell you something.” He felt tears well up and a lump form in his throat. “I did it.” Hot tears streamed down his cheek and onto Connie’s cold hand. “I took the chance just like you said. Now wake up…please…wake up.”

 

Jean walked into the room and rested his hand on Eren’s shoulder, pulling him against his chest. “He's gone, Eren. He's gone.”


	4. Afterglow

Dr. Zoe tapped her pen against her notepad as Eren stood at the window, eyes glazed over as he attempted to waste away the minutes of this session.

 

“Eren, you need to give me _something_. It’s been two weeks since Connie died. How’ve you been holding up?”

 

“Fine,” he lied.

 

Dr. Zoe glanced over at his half-eaten breakfast. “Did you eat _anything_ today?”

 

“What does it look like?” His voice was eerily calm. He scratched at his bare wrists, nails clawing over the healed scars. He sighed. “Where’s Jean? I haven't seen him since morning rounds.”

 

“Our intern? He'll be in later I'm sure. You seem to have gotten close to him.”

 

“You can say that.” He thought back to the rooftop. _Has it been two weeks already?_

 

“What made you change your opinion about him? I remember when we –”

 

“That’s none of your business,” he snapped back.

She wrote a short line. “I hear you're finishing up the first round of chemo and consulting with Dr. Ral today.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Is that pain in your back gone?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

Dr. Zoe sighed. “How have you been handling the needles?”

 

“Okay I guess. Jean helps a lot.”

 

“How?”

 

“He just knows how to calm me down. Can we drop it?” Eren snapped. He threw himself onto his bed.

 

She checked her watch and rose from her seat.

 

“Is that it? Can I get back to my incredibly important schedule of nothing?”

 

Dr. Zoe sat next to Eren.

 

“What?”

 

“How did you feel when you saw Connie?”

 

Eren rolled his eyes and sat up, mustering a feigned desire to reply. “I don't know. Sad? He was a good guy.”

 

“Just sad?”

 

Eren shrugged.

 

“Have you thought about death?”

 

No answer. Eren shifted uncomfortably in his place and mindlessly rubbed his wrists.

 

“It's something we all have to think about at some point. Especially when someone’s in a situation like yours”

 

"I'm not stupid,” he retorted. “I know we have to. The human condition and all that shit. I thought you were supposed to be making sure I _don’t_ try to slit myself open again.” He reached over to the cold, uneaten breakfast and broke a piece of toast off to eat. “Ugh, it’s stale.”

  
“But Eren,” she continued, “do you think that seeing Connie like that scared you?”

 

He rose from the bed and went back to the window, looking out over the entrance of the hospital. “Looks like rain again today.”

 

“Don’t change the subject.”

 

“Oh my god, that kid just wiped out on the sidewalk.”

 

“Eren,” she urged.

 

He turned around. “What do you want from me? You want me to tell you I was scared?” His voice grew louder. Angrier.

 

“I want the truth.”

 

“The truth?” he snapped. “What truth? That-that the first patient that I became friends with died without saying goodbye? That he wasn’t even _supposed_ to die?” Tears started to well up in the corners of Eren’s eyes. “Fuck this.” He threw his hands in the air and marched to the door. Dr. Zoe sprung up and scurried to the exit, effectively blocking his path.

 

“We’re not finished, Eren.”

 

“Yes, we are,” he insisted.

 

Dr. Zoe crossed her arms and remained still and watched as Eren’s defiant frame began to falter. His infuriated eyes melted into ones filled with worry and fear, revealing feelings he desperately tried to keep hidden. His fists clenched and lip quivered as one hiccup of a sob escaped his throat.  “He wasn’t supposed to die,” he whispered in a shaking voice that fought a losing battle against a breakdown.

 

“But –”

 

“He wasn’t supposed to!” Eren shouted. “H-He was getting better, and-and they were moving onto the next treatment phase, weren’t they?”

 

“These things happen, Eren.” She guided him back to the bed. He sat down and she took the spot next to him. “It’s hard to predict what’s going to come next.”

 

“What if I’m next?” he breathed, barely audible and fearing that saying the words aloud will make them true. He clutched the edge of the bed, knuckles going white. Beads of cold sweat formed along his brow.

 

“You’re not term –”

 

“Neither was Connie!” he snapped. “If he could just go like that, why can’t I? What if I die?” The blood drained from his face and Eren instinctively clutched his stomach. “I’m gonna be sick.” Without the basin in sight, he rushed to the bathroom, clutching the toilet and heaving. His barely digested breakfast filled the bowl, streaked with bright red. “Fuck.” He retched for a second time, more red coming out with bile. “Jean!” he bellowed, wiping forced tears from his eyes. Within seconds, Jean burst into room 208 with Marco on his tail.

 

“Jean! You can’t just – oh, Eren….” Marco’s frustration at Jean’s rash bursting into Eren’s room faded to genuine concern at the sight of Eren in the bathroom hunched over his toilet. The two lifted him up, supporting underneath his arms. They brought him back to his bed and laid him down, propping a couple pillows beneath him.

 

"You know,” Dr. Zoe began, “you’re not supposed to interrupt a session unless I call for you.”

 

"Sorry," Marco apologized, “I couldn’t stop him.”

 

“What did you expect? For me to _not_ answer when my patient calls?”

 

Marco and Dr. Zoe stared at Jean in silence. Eren’s labored breathing filled the room.

 

“Would you do this for any other patient? Or was it because it was 45104?” Dr. Zoe interrogated. Her eyes squinted in suspicion.

 

“His name is Eren,” Jean retorted defiantly.

 

"Jean,” Marco rested his hand on his friend’s shoulder. Jean crossed his arms and remained still. Dr. Zoe walked to the window and collected her things before heading to the door.

 

“Don’t be an idiot, Mr. Kirschtein. You’re good at your job from what I hear,” she said, maintaining eye contact.

 

“Hmph. Thanks.”

 

She pulled the door open and just as she crossed the threshold, she said, “Section 5.2, paragraph 3. Watch yourself.” The door clicked shut and Dr. Zoe was gone. The three remained in the room, silent. Light rain started to patter against the window.

 

“What the _fuck_ were you thinking?” Marco finally said, smacking the back of Jean’s head. “Are you insane?”

 

"Ow!”

 

Eren propped himself up with his elbows, eyes cracking open. “What’s going on? Did she leave?”

 

“Yeah,” Jean whispered, resting his hand on Eren’s.

 

"If I knew that’s all I had to do to get her out, I would’ve ages ago.” Eren sat up straight and crossed his legs, grabbing his cold feet with his hands.

 

“Yeah, but not before jeopardizing his damn job,” Marco scolded.

 

“Oh stop it. She doesn’t have evidence for a section 5 violation.”

 

“What’s section 5?” Eren croaked, his voice still muddled by phlegm. He reached for an unopened bottle of water next to his breakfast plate.

 

Jean looked over to Marco, begging him to explain. Marco put his hands up. “This is all you, man. You explain to your boyfriend what the situation is. And don’t even try to deny it in front of me, I know that you guys have a thing going on.” Eren and Jean exchanged an apprehensive look. “Oh, come on,” Marco continued, “I’m not stupid. And I’m not gonna say anything, but you can’t be breaking protocols like this.”

 

“You still haven’t told me what section 5 is.”

 

Jean sighed. “It’s part of the ethics code here. Dr. Zoe referenced section 5.2, paragraph 3 and that’s the part that says staff can’t be involved with patients. Romantically or otherwise.”

 

“It’s a _fireable_ offense,” Marco added.

 

“Oh.” Eren shifted in his seat. “I thought it was just a ‘frowned-upon’ thing. You never said that you could get fired for it.”

 

Jean stepped closer to Eren and put his hand on his shoulder. “Hey.” Eren looked up at him. “They’re not taking you away from me that easily.”

 

“Shut up, you nerd,” Eren muttered, looking away as his cheeks grew hot.

 

"Romantic,” Marco deadpanned. “I’m gonna get out of here and, you know, do my job. You two do whatever it is you do.” He turned on his heels and headed to the door. He stopped in the bathroom to flush away Eren’s mess. “Um, is that blood?”

 

Jean moved to the bathroom and checked the toilet. “Looks like it. Eren,” he popped his head out and looked to his boyfriend who was clutching his knees to his chest, “is anything feeling different? Pain or anything new?”

 

He shook his head no.

 

“Might have to do an endoscopy to check for anything in the upper GI,” Marco muttered.

 

“That’ll be an adventure. You tell the docs and I’ll tell Eren. He’ll take it better from me.”

 

“For once, you’re right.”

 

“Oh, shut up.” Jean pushed Marco’s arm. “We’ll have to flush it for now. We saw it, so that should be enough to get a test authorization.”

 

“Yeah. Alright, I’m gonna go. I’ll bring your lunch by.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“And Jean?” Marco gripped the doorknob. “Just be careful.”  He left the room and Jean flushed the toilet before joining Eren on his bed again. He was still holding his knees tight to his chest. Jean pried his hands off of his shins and squeezed. Eren buried his head in his knees.

 

“Are you gonna tell me what happened?”

 

Eren sighed and let out a whimper. Jean saw gray light from the window glint off of a tear that rolled down his cheek. A gust of wind tossed rain against the window and masked a sob from Eren. “I don't wanna die, too,” he whispered into his legs.

 

Jean pulled Eren’s knees away from his face and stretched out his legs. Tear stained cheeks accompanied his pink, puffy eyes and matted hair plastered to his forehead. “I thought you were a fighter.” Jean scoffed. “You’re really gonna give into fear that easily?”

 

“I’m serious. Connie wasn't supposed to,” he choked out, straining against the lump in his throat. “He was supposed to get better.”

 

Jean softened. “Connie was different. Leukemia isn't the same as ependymoma. His cancer was probably spreading without us knowing. Yours is easier to keep and eye on.”

 

Eren sniffled. “What if something bad happens? What-what if it spreads in my brain?”

 

“That's what your medicine is for. And chemo is protecting the rest of your body.” He sat next to Eren and put his arm around his shoulder. He pressed his lips against Eren’s hair. “I'll protect you as best I can. I promise.”

 

Eren let out a sigh, staggered with gasps as his crying settled. “I hate her.”

 

“Who? Dr. Zoe?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because it's her fault you're seeing me like this,” Eren admitted.

 

“Please,” Jean scoffed. “I've literally seen you with vomit on yourself. This is nothing.”

 

“You know what I mean.” He cleared his throat. “Ich bin besorgt.”

 

Jean sighed. “You know it's okay to be worried. And it's okay to open up about what you're afraid of.”

 

"Look at you," he muttered. “Have you been doing some side reading?”

 

“Well, there’s this really annoying guy in the oncology wing who speaks German and I thought I’d learn, too.”

 

Eren shoved him. “Annoying? Really?”

 

Jean snickered and the two reclined on the bed. He slipped his hand into Eren’s and interlaced fingers. “You’re gonna be fine.” Jean’s light thumb caressed Eren’s hand.

 

“I guess. What’s with you? Can't you just let me wallow?”

 

“Hell no,” Jean laughed. “There's no way I'm letting my boyfriend be sad and not do anything about it.”

 

Eren shifted and snuggled closer to Jean at the sound of “boyfriend.” Jean held him tight for a few seconds before there was a knock at the door.

 

“It's me again!” Marco called as he walked into the room. “Here’s your lunch bag.” He tossed Jean a blue bag. “And heads up – Dr. Ackerman’s gonna be down with Dr. Ral soon.

 

“We’re not supposed to have the consultation until 2,” Eren announced, face still buried in Jean’s chest. “Mikasa’s staying for it.”

 

“I'll tell him, but I don't think he'll care.”

 

“I'll stay for it,” Jean offered. “I'm here a lot anyway and I can tell Mikasa about it.”

 

Marco raised his eyebrow at Jean.

 

“Come on, you know it just makes sense, Marco.”

 

“Mhm. Sure.” Marco turned and left again.

 

Eren sat up and rubbed dried tears and eye gunk off of his face. “I still want Mikasa here.”

 

“Oh, okay.” Jean opened up his lunch bag and pulled out a sandwich.

 

“It's not that I don't want you there, I just need her there, too. Different emotional support I guess. But, don't tell her I said that.”

 

“Okay, okay. I'll call her and see if she can get here. But before that, we need to talk about the blood in your puke.” Jean tore a chunk of sandwich off and offered Eren a bite.

 

“I'm good. What about it?”

 

“We might have to do an endoscopy to check your upper GI.”

 

“Isn't that –?”

 

“Yeah. It's a camera down your throat into your stomach. You’ll be out for it and won't feel a thing, I promise, but we need to make sure there’s nothing bad going on. It's probably just a wound on your esophagus from something that came up or went down. Still don't know if we need to do it yet though.”

 

“Ugh. Whatever. As long as there isn't a needle involved.”

 

Jean pulled out his phone and handed it to Eren to dial Mikasa. Eren dialed and hit the speaker button, handing it back. “Hey, Mikasa, it’s Jean –”

 

“And me!” Eren interrupted loudly.

 

“Hey, guys, I got out of work early and I'm on my way there now. Is everything okay?”

 

“Oh good,” Jean said, “the consultation is gonna be in, like, 20 minutes. Will you get here in time?”

 

“Yeah. I should be – oh, shit!”

 

They heard a hard thud and Mikasa’s screams through the phone. Tires screeched and horns blared as Jean and Eren listened on in horror to twisting and scraping metal.  

 

“Mikasa!” Eren shrieked. The noise stopped and the line went silent. “M-Mikasa…? No, no, no, Mikasa, answer me goddammit!”

 

***

 

“Dr. Ackerman, with all due respect –”

 

“Don’t give me that bullshit,” Levi snapped. “Dr. Ral has a full schedule and she can only do it now.”

 

“Well, your temper hasn’t changed much,” a blond woman, just shorter than Levi, said as she came out from behind the nurses’ station. She flipped through Eren’s file. “45104, right?”

 

“Y-Yeah,” Jean confirmed. “His name’s –”

 

“Eren Jaeger. Dr. Ackerman told me.” She flashed a smile up at Jean. Her brown eyes simultaneously told Jean to back down and that she meant no offense. He shifted uncomfortably unsure of how to proceed.

 

"Okay. W-Well, his sister was just in a car accident. We heard it on the phone. She was on her way here and he’s not in a good place right now. Is there _any_ way that we can push it to another day?”

 

“I have a meeting at 4 across town, but I can be back here by 8 or 9.”

 

“Petra, are you serious?” Levi hissed. “You give them an inch and there goes the whole fucking mile!”

 

“Ugh, Levi, you _really_ haven’t changed a bit. You’re coming with me anyway, aren’t you?”

 

“No, I told you –”

 

“Really? I come back from Doctors without Borders for the first time since we graduated and you’re not going to spend time with me?”

 

“But –”

 

“Just come with me. I need company and we can get a drink from that bar we used to go to. We might even get to see Oluo and the old crew there. Come on, Levi!” she begged.

 

“Fine,” he conceded. “I swear to god, you date once. Kirschtein. Tell 45104 that the consult will be tonight and it _must_ be tonight.”

 

“How bad was the accident?” Petra asked.

 

“We don’t know. She was on the phone, but we didn’t hear anything but the collision. Eren’s a mess.”

 

“Calm him down and just prep him for us tomorrow,” she instructed.

 

“Petra, I _literally_ just said –”

 

“Tomorrow. Send my wishes for now.” Her arm hooked around Levi’s as they headed back to the elevator to go up to the offices. Jean couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but Levi’s cheeks went slightly pink and Petra was holding him close.

 

***

 

Eren shuffled to the window and peered out between the blinds. The clouds had broken and the sunset poured into the darkened room. He sighed. “I like it when It rains.” He wandered to the bathroom next and flipped the switch. The fluorescent light burned at first, but his sight returned as he stood before the mirror. His reflection hadn’t changed much in the past two months, except the noticeably thinning hair. He ran his hands through it only to have strands come out with his fingers. “Damn.” Every time footsteps approached the door, his heart would skip a beat, hoping for it to be Jean or Mikasa. As they passed, the excitement drained and he was reminded that he was alone during what could be visiting time with what was left of his family. _I wonder how Armin’s doing?_ Armin had left for study abroad over a month ago and they hadn’t really talked much since. Jealousy simmered beneath the surface, but remembering his plans for when he was out cooled it down. _This damn surgeon better be able to do this._

 

He left the bathroom, slid onto his bed face-down into the pillows, and closed his eyes for a second. Immediately, images of what Mikasa’s accident may have left tore through his mind. His eyes shot open as he gasped. _Why did we even bother calling her?_ he thought. “It’s our fault.”

 

The door creaked open. “Thanks for knocking, asshole,” Eren whined.

 

“I thought we were past calling each other ‘asshole,’ your idiot,” Jean quickly retorted with a smirk. The light from the hallway spilled into the room behind Jean’s silhouette. “We need some light in here.” He moved to the window and threw open the blinds letting the yellow-orange light illuminate the walls. “I’ve brought company.”

 

Marco and Sasha came into the room. Eren turned over and sat up against the wall, legs stretched out. “What’re you guys doing here?”

 

“They heard it’s your last dose of chemo and wanted to be here for you.”

 

Eren’s eyebrow twitched up. “R-Really? Why?”

 

“Because it’s pretty big. We still have to test and scan afterward, but this means the metastasized cancer is most likely gone,” Marco explained.

 

“Yeah, and then you have that surgery consultation, right?” Sasha added. “You’re almost outta here!”

 

“I guess,” he shrugged. “But –”

 

“But what?” Jean chimed in as he prepared the syringe for chemo out of Eren’s direct line of sight.

 

“Mikasa…” he sighed. “I still haven’t heard from her.”

 

“I thought you might bring that up,” Marco answered. “I’ve been calling her every so often to see if she answered and about 20 minutes ago, she picked up.” Eren’s face lit up. He opened his mouth to speak but Marco cut him off. “She’s fine. No major injuries. Someone ran a red light and t-boned her and then she spiraled a bit. She was across town, so they took her to the ER over there to check for concussions and whatnot. They said she had a minor one from hitting her head on her window, but she’ll be okay.”

 

“What about the consultation tomorrow?”

 

“I offered to pick her up,” Sasha said. “Also,” she dug into her purse and pulled out a wallet-sized photo, “here.” She walked to Eren’s side and sat on the edge of the bed. She handed him a photo of Connie grinning ear to ear. Behind him, a mountain range extended into the distance beneath an azure sky. “This is my absolute favorite picture of Connie. We went on a hike on the last date before he was diagnosed and I was able to snap this picture.” She began to tear up. “I…I want you to have this because-because you really meant a lot to him before he died and you and Mikasa – you’ve been really great to me and I just want you to have this to remember him by.” Eren hugged Sasha and she began to sob into his shoulder. She returned the hug and squeezed, starting a stream of tears for Eren.

 

“I miss him so much,” he whispered.

 

“I know. Me, too.”

 

"You guys," Marco whined. "This was supposed to be a happy day."

 

“It is, it is,” Sasha sniffled as she pulled away from Eren. She swallowed hard and wiped the tears from her eyes. “Okay. Okay. We’re back.”

 

"Speak for yourself," Eren sobbed, trying to stop the relentless flow of tears. “What the hell is wrong with you.” He tried to laugh but ended up snorting instead. The rest of the room burst into laughter. Marco had to sit down to avoid wetting himself and Jean put the syringe on a towel before it found its way into someone else’s arm. Sasha walked into the bathroom and washed away new laughter tears in the sink. “Oh my god,” Eren said as his crying slowed, “you guys suck.” 

 

"Alright, alright, alright,” Jean announced as he picked the syringe back up, “chemo time for the last time. You ready?”

 

Eren nodded and sighed. He looked right into Jean’s eyes, as he did for each administration since the first. Marco and Sasha watched on as Eren remained calm as ever, without a hint of fear or anxiety about the needle sliding into the port. During the 15 second injection, it was as if Eren and Jean were the only people in the room and Marco and Sasha didn’t exist. No one and nothing outside of the two of them mattered for those seconds. Eren’s death anxiety, grief for Connie, and worry for Mikasa vanished as he got lost in Jean’s gaze.

 

Sasha leaned over to Marco and whispered, “Oh my god, this is adorable.”

 

"Shut up," Jean gritted, face turning pink, as he removed the needle and tossed it into the sharps container. “Done.” He leaned in a gently kissed Eren’s lips. “Congrats. They’re finished.”

 

Eren leaned forward for another. “Thank you,” he whispered. He lingered an inch away from Jean’s face.

 

“Y-Yeah,” Jean swallowed hard, “no problem.”

 

Sasha and Marco cleared their throats. “Excuse us, but we don’t need to see anything… _extra_ ,” Marco quipped.

 

"But,” Sasha added, “that was the cutest thing I have seen ever. Like, oh my god.”

 

Eren and Jean blushed and looked away from each other. “Oh, Marco, do you have the thing?” Jean asked.

 

“Right here.” Marco went into the bathroom for a second and pulled out a plastic bag.

 

“That better not have _come_ from in there,” Eren deadpanned.

 

“Relax.” Jean took the bag from Marco and reached inside. “As a celebration for the end of chemo, we got you this.”

 

“It was Jean’s idea.” Sasha chimed.

 

Jean pulled out a white box and placed it on the bed.

 

“Oh, you shouldn’t have.”

 

“Shut up and open it.”

 

Eren lifted the top of the box back and felt his stomach roar at the sight of a 6-inch German chocolate cake. The aroma of coconut-pecan frosting and rich chocolate quickly filled the room. “If you don’t have something to cut this with, I will literally dive in head first,” Eren said, eyes still trained on the chocolate treat.

 

“I’ve got it, I’ve got it,” Marco said, pulling paper plates and a plastic cake-slicing knife out of the bag. He cut the cake into four pieces and handed them out, making Eren’s slightly larger than anyone else’s. He dove into his piece and scarfed it down, barely chewing as he devoured it. He finished the piece before anyone else, but Sasha wasn’t far behind.

 

“You guys are literally animals,” Marco commented, only halfway through his. “Right, Jean? Oh, dear god.”

 

He looked over to Jean whose face was smeared with frosting and bits of cake. He was in the middle of running his finger along the plate to pick up remnants of his piece when he realized everyone was looking at him. “What?”

 

Eren burst into raucous cackling and the other two followed suit.

 

“Well, then, _somebody_ , get me a napkin or something.”

 

Sasha tossed a napkin from the bag onto the bed and Eren picked it up. He wiped Jean’s unamused face. “You guys suck.”

 

“It’s not our fault you eat like a 5-year-old,” Eren replied through giggles. “You’re a mess.” He pecked Jean’s lips again.

 

“Mm. This is the first time you didn’t taste like throw-up.”

 

“Oh, gross,” Marco groaned as he collected the trash. “That’s nasty.”

 

“Eh,” Sasha shrugged, “you learn to deal with it.”

 

“As long as I can keep kissing those lips, they’ll always be the best thing I’ve ever tasted,” Jean said, dramatically batting his eyes at Eren.

 

Everyone went silent. “That,” Eren replied, “that was surreal, you idiot.” Marco and Sasha chuckled at Eren’s response and began to gather their things.

 

“I’ve gotta go start my weekend of studying like crazy,” Marco said, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Can you give me a ride, Sasha?”

 

“Sure,” she agreed. “As long as we can grab dinner first. I’m still hungry.”

 

“Deal. Bye, you two. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon, Eren.” Marco and Sasha made their way to the door.  


“Wait,” Eren called out.  They stopped in their tracks and turned on their heels. “I, um, I…. Thank you. You guys really made a shitty day better.”

 

Sasha smiled. “That’s what family’s for.” She gave Eren another hug before following Marco out the door, closing it behind them. Eren felt his face grow hot and a stupid smile form across his lips. _Family?_ The thought of having more than just Mikasa and Armin was unfamiliar. What he had with Jean was obviously different, but he never thought of Marco or Sasha as people who actually cared about him beyond pity for a brain cancer patient.

 

“Hello?” Jean waved his hand in front of Eren’s face.

 

“Huh? What?”

 

“You were spacing out. You okay?”

 

Eren stood up and took Jean’s hands, standing in front of his sitting boyfriend. “I’m great thanks to you.” He leaned forward and kissed him. His lips brushed lightly against Jean’s and his right hand slid up to the nape of his neck, pulling Jean in closer. Jean’s hands gripped Eren’s waist and pulled him closer. Eren smiled into Jean’s mouth.

 

“What?” Jean whispered.

 

“Nothing,” Eren breathed back. “I just love kissing you.”  

 

“Me, too.” Jean slid back on the bed and pulled Eren onto his lap. Eren straddled him and sat back on Jean’s thighs as he planted a harder kiss back onto his lips. Jean reciprocated earnestly before moving his lips to Eren’s cheek, then jawline. Eren let out a small moan as Jean’s lips traveled to his neck.

 

"Someone likes that.” Jean guided Eren onto his back and, on all fours, starting sucking on his neck, leaving faint marks all the way down to his collarbones. Eren tore his shirt off and Jean sat up to follow suit. Jean straddled Eren’s crotch and felt him getting hard beneath him. Eren smirked and pulled Jean back down and shoved his tongue into his mouth, running his hands all over his torso, nails gliding along his back. With one hand he reached under and groped Jean’s hard-on, sending a moan into Eren’s mouth. Kisses, hickeys, and heavy breathing filled the room as the two explored each other’s bodies. Jean’s hand wandered down along the waistband of Eren’s pants. Eren shuddered.

 

“You okay with this?” Jean whispered between kisses.

 

“Oh shit,” Eren hissed.

 

“What? What is it?”

 

Eren pushed Jean off of him and bounded to the bathroom in two long strides, just in time for the chocolate cake to make its way into the toilet.

 

“Well, that’s just bad timing,” Jean sighed from the bathroom doorway.


	5. Reliance

The pitter patter of rain roused Eren the next morning. His eyes creaked open to be greeted by Jean’s torso rising and falling slowly. Bite marks and hickeys peppered his fair skin. Eren ran his fingers along the marks tracing his way up his chest. He looked up at his face only to find Jean’s eyes still shut and drool making its way down his cheek. Eren half-smiled and slid off the bed, careful to not wake him. _What time is it?_ He meandered to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face, along with the recollection of the unfortunate timing he had last night. _I’m such an idiot._ The little light that made its way into the bathroom from the slowly lightening sky poking through the window let Eren see the marks Jean left on him. A couple marks on his belly and quite a few dotting his chest, around his heart. One was getting darker where his neck met his collarbone. Eren sighed. He stuck his head out the door quickly to catch the time. 5:26am. The overnight nurse was snoring at the station. He came back into the room, shut the door as quietly as possible, and shuffled his way to the window. More gray light poured into the room when Eren pulled back the blinds. He checked behind him to make sure he didn’t wake Jean up. His eyes fluttered beneath closed lids.

 

 _What’re you dreaming about?_ Eren thought. He leaned against the window and continued to watch Jean as he slept. The guy he opened up to most over the past months was just a boy when he slept. A boy he let in. A boy who took care of him. _A boy I’ve relied on._ Eren felt his stomach churn. He watched as his body slowly spread out over the entirety of the bed and both legs dangled of off either side. “What an idiot,” Eren whispered.

 

“Who you callin’ an idiot?” Jean grumbled, muffled by a pillow.

 

“So you _are_ awake.”

 

“I’ve been awake since _you_ got up.”

 

“Liar,” Eren laughed. “You were leaking at the mouth. There’s no way you were up.”

 

"Believe what you want.” Jean pushed himself up and turned to face Eren. He crossed his legs and perched himself at the edge of the bed. “You feeling alright? You threw up something fierce last night.”

 

“Yeah. Kinda hungry actually.”

 

“That’s good.”

 

“Yeah.” Eren gripped his left elbow with his right hand and looked out the window.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Doesn’t seem like noth –”

 

“Well it is,” Eren snapped. “Just…just drop it. I’m fine.”

 

"I know you're not f –”

 

“What part of drop it don’t you understand?” Eren threw himself into the chair across from Jean, still avoiding eye contact.

 

“Where the fuck is this coming from? Last night you were perfectly fine.” Eren didn’t reply. “Will you look at me?”

 

Eren rolled his eyes and looked at Jean. “I’m fine.” He rubbed his head.

 

“Headache?”

 

“There’s always a headache. You know that.”

 

Jean slid off the bed and walked over to Eren. “I’ll get you food. What do you want?”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“Fine.” Jean picked his shirt up off the floor and put it on. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Don’t do anything stupid when I’m gone.” He moved to the door and grabbed the handle.

 

“The stupidest thing I’ve done is about to walk out the door.”

 

Jean let the handle go and turned around. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

"Nothing. Just go."

 

“No.” He walked back to Eren and stood in front of him. The rain started to fall harder. Thunder rumbled in the distance. “Tell me.”

 

Eren stood up and looked him in the eye. “No. I said go. Just leave me alone.”

 

“For god’s sake, Eren, talk to me. You can talk to me about anything. What is it? Do you not feel well? Did I do something? Just fucking _tell_ me,” Jean insisted. Eren sat quiet. The thunder rumbled again breaking the silence in the room.

 

"What happens,” Eren began, voice shaking, “what happens when I’m better?”

 

"What do you mean 'what happens’? You get out of here and you get to move on with your life.”

 

Eren sighed. “That’s not what I meant.”

 

“Then tell me.”

 

Eren walked away from Jean, crossing his arms as he wandered around the room. “What’s going to happen to _us_? We’re boyfriends now, right?”

 

“Well, yeah, but –”

 

“But what?”

 

“But, we’ll keep seeing each other.”

 

“Will we?” Eren retorted. “What if someone better than me comes along? Will you fall for him? Or her?”

 

“Eren, what are you talking about? I really like you. Why the hell do you think I’ve spent so much time with you? Stayed the night here?”

 

“Because I needed you!” he cried. “I needed you to comfort me because for some godforsaken reason I need _you_ to feel comfortable and safe and I get some sort of fucking solace when you’re around me. What the hell could you _possibly_ get from me? I _rely_ on you. What could I possibly be giving _you_ that’s worth keeping me around when I leave?”

 

Jean looked over to Eren and smiled.

 

“What?”

 

“That’s the first time you said ‘when I leave.’”

 

“Not the point.”

 

“It might not be the point, but it’s nice to see you positive about finally getting out of this hospital.”  Jean walked over to Eren who was leaning against the wall next to the bathroom door. “I’ll be honest with you.” He took Eren’s hands. “I don’t know…I don’t know why I fell for you. It makes no sense. It’s job-risking. It’s impractical.”

 

"Yeah, that’s what I wanna hear.”

 

“Will you just let me finish?” Jean sighed. “There were so many times when I’d walk by your room and try to convince myself not to come in. Every time, I lost. I needed to see you. See your face. Those eyes. That rare smile.” He placed his hand on Eren’s cheek. “That first chemo dose, I almost dropped the angiocatheter twice because I was so nervous looking into your eyes.”

 

“I would’ve lost it if you did.”

 

“I know,” he continued, “but, I would do it all again. I’d do it all again for you. And I want to keep doing things for and with you.”

 

“You say that,” Eren whispered, “but what about when it gets to that point? Where I’m not here all the time and you can’t see me because you’re busy here or with school or some other person starts to get all your attention?”

 

“You have to trust me.”

 

“I figured you’d say that.”

 

“Eren, there’s not much I can –”

 

“Just go.”

 

Jean sighed. “Okay.” He leaned in to kiss Eren, who turned away. Jean’s lips landed on his cheek. “I’ll be back,” he said, dejected.

 

“Okay.”

 

Jean left the room and shut the door behind him.

 

“Fuck!” Eren shouted as he kicked a second chair across the room, slamming it into the one closest to the window.

 

The rain only got harder after Jean left. Eren cranked the volume on the TV as loud as it could go to drown out the battering against the window. After mindlessly cycling through the channels he settled on some action movie with terrible graphics and corny lines. Every time footsteps approached the door, he glanced over expecting Jean to come in with his food. After about 20 minutes, someone finally came in.

 

“Good morning, Mr. Jaeger,” a familiar blonde said as she brought in a tray of food. She cautiously walked over to his adjustable table, recalling the countless trays knocked to the floor. “Here’s breakfast for you. Apparently, it was made just for you, so don’t waste it,” she warned.

 

“Oh, thanks. I thought Jean was bringing me something?”

 

“Well, the last I saw, he was headed to the human resources wing and that’s away from any food.”

 

“Okay. Well, thanks anyway.”

 

“Yup.” She turned to leave when Eren stopped her.

 

“Wait.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“What’s your name, anyway?”

 

“Krista.”

 

“Thanks, Krista.”

 

“No problem, Eren.” She smiled and left. Eren turned his attention to the tray of food on the table. He removed the plastic cloche and was greeted by the smell of maple syrup, bacon, and pancakes. His stomach roared. Next to the utensils, a small notecard was folded over. He opened it up and saw familiar handwriting.

 

“Don’t eat it too fast, you idiot,” he read aloud. Eren tossed it on the bedside table. “You’re the idiot,” he grumbled before digging in.

 

***

 

Knuckles rapped the door, waking Eren from a food coma.

 

"Wha-who-huh?” he sputtered. Levi walked into the room. “Oh, it’s you,” he sneered.

 

“Yes, it’s me,” Levi droned. “I’m not staying, so relax. Dr. Ral is gonna be here in a few minutes for your consultation. I’ll be back with Dr. Smith. You can have your sister in here with you but no one else. And no, not Kirschtein.”

 

“I wasn’t even –”

 

“Sure you weren’t. How’s your head?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Nausea?”

 

Eren shrugged.

 

“Okay. Try to keep it together at least until after this meeting. We’re not postponing again.” Levi turned on his heels and left.

 

“Always a pleasure,” Eren muttered, clicking on the TV again. He flipped through channels again, passing infomercials and C-list movies.

 

“Yoo-hoo!”

 

“Well, we’re back to normal around here, it seems. What’s up, Sasha?”

 

Sasha sauntered in and gave Eren a hug. She saw the picture of Connie tacked on the wall over his head. She kissed her fingers and touched the photo. “I have a surprise for you.”

 

“Sasha, my head hurts too much for this excitement,” Mikasa deadpanned as she walked into the room. “Hey, you,” she said to Eren through a wince of a smile.  


“Well, _look_ who it is. Miss Need for Speed.”

 

“Need for Speed? I was going the speed limit, are you kidding me? That other asshole ran the light. Fuckin’ jerk sent me flying across two lanes of traffic and then left the damn scene.” She plopped down in the chair. “How’re you feeling?”

 

“Really? You get into a car wreck and start asking me how I’m feeling?” He shifted and moved to the foot of the bed. “How’s _your_ head?”

 

“Hurts.”

 

“Welcome to my life.”

 

Mikasa chuckled. “Everything else hurts, too.”

 

“Nothing broken though,” a male voice added coming from the doorway. Unmistakable blond hair and blue eyes walked into the room. “Hey, Eren.”

 

“Armin!” Eren leapt up and threw his arms around his best friend. “Oh my god, what’re you doing here?”

 

“Relax, you might make yourself sick,” he said through a laugh. “I heard you were consulting with a brain surgeon and I wanted to be here for everything. They’re letting me do classes over Skype until I’m back after the surgery.”

 

“They let you do that?”

 

“I told them it was a family emergency.”

 

  1. “You’re an idiot,” Eren said through a lump in his throat and hot cheeks. He turned to Sasha. “You weren’t kidding when you said you had a surprise.”



 

“I don’t kid about that kind of stuff.”

 

“And what’s with you?” Armin turned to Mikasa. “Getting this banged up while I’m gone?”

 

"It wasn't my fault,” she retorted flatly.

 

“So how’s France? How’s the food? How’re the _pastries_ , oh god, French pastries must be amazing,” Eren rambled.

 

“It’s great. It’s amazing. And they’re _unbelievable_. You’re gonna give yourself diabetes if you go there.”

 

“How about your classes?”

 

Armin shrugged. “I really can’t complain. We took a trip to the Louvre a couple weeks ago and I got to work with the curator for a day.”

 

“Oh shit,” Sasha interjected. “That’s amazing!”

 

“Yeah, I guess.” Armin brushed off the praise. “Which reminds me,” he dug into his canvas bag slung over his shoulder and pulled out a small box. “This,” he handed it to Eren, “is for you.” Eren took the box and opened it. Inside, he found a small, brass replica of the Eiffel Tower which stood about 4 inches high.

 

“This is so cool!” Eren gaped, his eyes sparkling. “You really didn’t have to.”

 

“I wanted to,” Armin grinned.

 

“Thanks, man.” The two embraced again and held it for a couple of minutes before Armin pulled away.

 

“So, when’s this consultation supposed to start, anyway?”

 

“Right now,” Erwin’s deep baritone rang out from the doorway. He commanded everyone’s attention as he lead the three-person procession of himself, Levi, and Petra.

 

“Anyone who isn’t Eren or Mikasa – out,” Levi ordered. Sasha and Armin sprung into motion.

 

“Cafeteria?” Armin asked Sasha. She nodded furiously before the two made a beeline out of the room. “Good luck! We’ll be back later!” the two called from the hallway as Petra shut the door.

 

“Alright, Mr. Jaeger! We meet at last!” Petra enthusiastically stepped forward and shook Eren’s hand. Her bright smile lit up the room, gray from incessant rain outside. Meanwhile, Levi’s emotionless expression kept the mood in balance.

 

“Petra, please with the high pitched voice.” Levi rubbed his head.

 

“Don’t mind Dr. Ackerman,” Erwin commented. “He was up late last night.”

 

“Yeah, and learned how a woman shorter than he is can drink him under the table,” Petra muttered.

 

“What?” Mikasa interjected.

 

“Anyway,” Petra continued, “let’s all have a seat and chat a bit. My name’s Dr. Petra Ral, neurologist and surgeon. I actually went to school with Dr. Ackerman and we were in the same graduating class, working closely together. Actually, if it weren’t for him, I probably wouldn’t have made it through,” she laughed and Levi shrugged. Erwin stood silent in the corner of the room.

 

“What makes you different from the other brain surgeons? What’ll you do that’ll get the tumor out of my head without fuckin’ me up?” Eren asked, bluntly.

 

Petra grew serious and moved next to Eren on the bed. “Here’s the deal. While with Doctors without Borders, I was researching new methods of surgery in the brain. I know that your main fear is the location. It’s dangerously close to main centers of the personality and other unique aspects about yourself that I’m sure you don’t want to lose. Agreed?” Eren and Mikasa nodded. “So, I asked myself what tools I could use to make sure I get into the brain deep enough to extract a tumor, but still preserve the healthy structures? Here’s what I came up with – the method I’m going to use is a craniotomy. Simple stuff. I go in, remove the bone flap in your skull, expose the brain to perform the surgery, and put it all back. Now, while any brain surgeon would do this, here’s what we’re going to do that’s different. Before we even put you under, I’m going to run a scan of your head and mark _exactly_ where the tumor is. Then, when you’re out, we’ll remove as little of the skull as possible to reduce exposure to sensitive parts of the brain.”

 

“Wouldn’t that still put the parts closest to the tumor at risk?” Mikasa asked.

 

“Yes. However,” she pulled out a picture of what looked like extraordinarily thin pliers, “this is what I’ll use.”

 

“Uh, what’s –”

 

“This,” she interrupted Eren, “was developed after tons of surgeries. They’re special surgical scissors made of an extremely flexible metal alloy that can interact harmlessly with the chemistry of your brain. On the very tip, there’s an extremely small camera that will allow me to see precisely where I’m cutting the tumor out. That way, I can avoid severing any neural connections and just remove the abnormal glial cells. It’s a camera _and_ digital magnifying glass.”

 

“And you’re sure this’ll be able to keep everything else perfectly intact?” Eren worried.

 

“With this tool in use, the successful recovery rate was 98% with only 2% of the patients showing different behavioral patters post-operation. And that’s really only because I didn’t actually _do_ those surgeries. My hand is as steady as they come.”

 

"Okay,” Eren sighed. “Okay, let’s do it.”

 

“Wait, wait, wait,” Mikasa added, “what other risks are there?”

 

“Typical surgery risks. Blood clots, muscle weakness, infection. Brain surgery risks involve possible seizure, coma, and the like, but that just comes with the territory. You’re young though. I don’t think you’ll have a problem. Only a handful of people I’ve done this for have shown such serious side effects and they were either almost thirty years older than you, or children.”

 

Mikasa turned to Eren. “Are you sure you’re okay to do this?”

 

Eren swallowed hard and thought about his fight with Jean a few hours ago. “I don’t want to rely on anyone anymore. I’ll do it.”

 

“Awesome. You’re making the right decision, Eren,” Petra reassured. “Here’s the timeline. Starting tomorrow, we’re going to take you down for a battery of scans and tests just to make sure that everything else is in check. Over the next two weeks, you’ll meet with your psychologist to make sure you’re mentally prepared for this and you understand the possible side effects. Remember, they’re not likely, but they’re still possible. A day or two before the surgery, we’ll get you on a liquid diet. Then, two weeks from today, we’ll have the procedure and get that tumor out of you, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“What should we do to prepare him?” Mikasa asked.

 

“Just keep eating and try to stay as healthy as you can. The only thing that can delay the surgery is if you catch something unrelated to your current condition. Sound like something you can do?”

 

Eren nodded.

 

“Recovery should be relatively quick. Check-ups with a physical therapist, your psychologist, an occupational therapist, and a speech-language pathologist. You’ll have to stay for about a week afterward, but then you should be good to go home!”

 

Mikasa and Eren exchange a look of relief. Levi checked his watch.

 

“Petra,” he began, “the meeting’s starting soon. We’ve got to go.”

 

“Right,” she said. “Eren, if you have any questions, anything at all, don’t hesitate to call me. I’ll give you my card, Mikasa.” Mikasa took the card and put it into her pocket. “I can’t wait to get you back to 100%.”

 

The three left the room in the same order they came in, leaving Mikasa and Eren to their own devices. Hints of yellow sunlight pierced through the gray and spilled into the room as the two let the consultation sink in. “I’m gonna get better…” Eren breathed in disbelief.

 

“I’ve been telling you that,” Mikasa replied through a smile.

 

“It’s almost over.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Tears rolled down Eren’s cheeks. Mikasa rose from her seat and threw her arms around her brother and for the first time in almost 2 years cried tears of joy into each other’s shoulders.

 

***

 

Night fell unassumingly over the hospital as Eren found himself alone in his room after Armin, Mikasa, and Sasha left. Saturday night television was a mélange of college sports and sitcom re-runs. His mind wandered past the consultation and back to the early morning drama. _That was so stupid, I didn’t even mean that shit._ _I’m probably the stupidest thing_ he’s _done._ Eren sat up and buried his face in his hands. “What’m I gonna do,” he whined.He turned to the picture of Connie on his wall.

 

“Hey, Con.”

 

Eren sighed.

 

“I think I fucked up. I…I _kinda_ accused Jean of not being serious about me. And that he won’t do anything after I’m out. I know. Stupid.” He hopped off the bed and started pacing. “Connie, I _really_ like him. I’m just…I’m not sure what to do, I guess. Is he as into me as I’m into him? How do I even know? How’d you know that Sasha loved you as much as she does? Ugh. I don’t know. I need to fix this.”

 

“Who’re you talking to?” Jean walked in, digging through a plastic bag.

 

“O-Oh, Jean,” Eren stuttered. “I-I, um, I –”

 

“Talk much?”

 

“Shut up.” _Nice timing, Connie_ , he thought.

 

He sat in the chair by the window and tossed Eren a chocolate chip muffin from his bag.

 

“What’s this for?”

 

“I saw it and thought you’d like one. I heard you’re going through with the surgery.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Good for you.”

 

Eren unwrapped the treat and tore a chunk of the top off, eating in silence on his bed. Jean wrung his hands and peered out the window into the night. Every time Eren looked over to Jean, Jean looked down to the floor. After a few minutes of avoiding eye contact, Eren put the last half of the muffin down and stood up. He walked over to Jean and took his face in his hands.

 

“What’re you d –”

 

Eren plastered his lips against Jean’s for a long, deep kiss. The tension between the two slowly melted as Eren straddled Jean on the chair. Jean’s arms wrapped around Eren’s waist and held him tight. Eren broke the kiss and rested his forehead on Jean’s.

 

“I’m sorry,” he breathed. His hands traveled to the nape of Jean’s neck. “I shouldn’t’ve been such a dick to you.”

 

“It’s okay,” Jean whispered back. “Do you trust me now?” Eren’s barely perceptible nod put a relieved smile on Jean’s face. He pulled him in for a hug and squeezed. “I’m not gonna leave you. No matter what.”

 

“I know. Now ease up, unless you wanna see that muffin again.”

 

Eren stepped back onto the floor and pulled Jean onto the bed with him, sitting opposite each other, legs crossed.

 

"So how’s your mom doing? You said last night she was sick, right?” Eren asked, running his thumbs along Jean’s hands.

 

“She’s feeling better, thanks.” He started to play with Eren’s fingers. “I tell her about you, you know.”

 

“Really?”

 

Jean nodded. “She wants to meet you.”

 

“Oh, shit. I don’t know. I’ve never done the meet-the-parents thing.”

 

“Don’t worry about it. If you can make it through all the shit you’ve gotten through here, you’ll be able to make it though dinner with my mom.” He leaned forward and pecked Eren on the forehead.

 

“Are you working the overnight tonight?” Eren asked, scooting closer to him.

 

"They gave me the whole day off. I’m midday tomorrow.”

 

“Can you stay?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Jean got up and closed the door to the room as Eren clicked off the light over his bed. He rearranged the pillows and made a space for Jean right next to him. Jean climbed onto the bed and reclined on the stack of pillows while Eren nestled into his arm. Five minutes later, they were sound asleep, clinging to each other.


	6. Sunset

The clock on the office wall ticked and tocked, counting anxious seconds while the head of human resources sat behind his desk. His mustache twitched under his nose as he took as he took a swig of coffee that mysteriously smelled of liquor.

 

“You’re sure you want to do this?” he asked through a raspy voice. He flipped through a personnel file on his desk. “Today’s the last chance for me to put a stop on the processing.”

 

Jean wrung his hands and sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure.”

 

“And you’re sure you don’t have any place else you want to transfer to?”

 

“Not at the moment, sir.”

 

“Okay, then. You know when you first came to me two weeks ago, I was sure I’d be stopping this. You came highly recommended and I’ll be glad to assist you in finding a new place or coming back with us in the future.”

 

“Thank you, Mr. Pixis. That’s greatly appreciated.”

 

The two shook hands and Jean turned to leave the office, when Mr. Pixis spoke. “I’ll be sure to keep any rumors of an _inappropriate_ relationship with a patient out of your file.”

 

Jean froze in the doorway. He felt his palms get sweaty. “Sir, I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Mr. Kirschtein,” Mr. Pixis walked out from around his desk and stood directly behind Jean, “don’t underestimate how talkative these walls are,” he hissed. “Now, I’m not saying everyone knows _exactly_ what happens inside patients’ rooms outside of documented medical procedure, but words have a way painting a fairly scandalous picture of a particular student intern and a certain cancer patient slated for surgery tomorrow.”

 

Jean shut the door and faced Mr. Pixis. “What are you trying to accomplish?”

 

"There’s nothing _to_ accomplish. You took the proactive step of resigning. Is there anything outside of a heavy school load that would have contributed to your choice to leave?”

 

"And what if there was?"

 

“Then that would be something that would have to go into your file. You’re still on my staff until the end of the day, Mr. Kirschtein. It would be a shame if something were to slither its way in there before my day ends.”

 

"It would. It would also be a shame if word were to get out about the wine in your drawers and whiskey in your coffee.”

 

Mr. Pixis grunted. “I’m at the end of my career. You’re at the start of yours, so watch your mouth.” He moved back to his desk and sat down. “You’re leaving because you care for 45104 a _bit_ too much, don’t you?”

 

Jean remained silent.   


“Admitting you care for him doesn’t do anything bad.”

 

“Yes, I care for him. I care for all my patients.”

 

“Don’t give me that crap,” Mr. Pixis seethed.

 

Jean crossed his arms, pleased with his diplomatic answer. “I really must be going, sir. My shift starts in 20 minutes.” He turned on his heels and left the office, heart pounding at his chest. He stormed down the carpeted hallway, past mundane framed photos of flora and fauna and back onto the marble floor of the main hospital atrium. Sun poured in through the glass façade of the building. He sighed and made his way back to the oncology wing and room 208. As he walked up to the second floor and went through the stairwell door, he found Marco waiting for him at the nurses’ station.

 

“Hey –”

 

“Is it true?” Marco snapped.

 

“What’re you talking about?” Jean went behind the desk and flipped through the files.

 

“Eren’s gonna kill you when he finds out,” he warned.

 

He looked up at Marco and sighed. “Don’t give me a lecture, Marco. I just came from HR and I don’t need shit from anyone. I had my two weeks to think about it –”

 

“Two weeks?” Marco hissed. “You put it in two weeks ago and you didn’t _tell me?_ ”

 

“You know damn well if I told you you’d go and tell Eren and _then_ what? What good would that do him? He’s got enough on his mind.”

 

“He’s gonna think you’re leaving him!”

 

“Keep your fucking voice down, dammit,” Jean cautioned. “I’m gonna tell him later.”

 

Marco threw his hands up in exasperation and joined Jean behind the desk. “You did a stupid thing.”

 

“I’ll be fine.”

 

“Whatever you say.”

 

Jean sighed. “I did it _for_ him, you know.”

 

“In what _possible_ way is this going to help him? I told you, he’s gonna think you’re leaving him.” Marco slammed shut the files and shoved them into the desk drawer.

 

“It’s to _be_ with him, for god’s sake,” Jean explained, aggravated. “A couple weeks ago, we had a fight and he said he was afraid that I wasn’t gonna stay with him when he was out. That I’d end up falling for someone else like I did with him.”

 

Marco stopped what he was doing and looked over to Jean. “Are you serious?”

 

“Yeah. He was pissed. No clue where it came from, but I started thinking about the situation. I mean, yeah, this job is great and I’m getting experience before applying for residency after I graduate, but –”

 

“But it’s _him_.”

 

Jean nodded. “Ask me a year ago and I would’ve done anything for this job. Getting ahead and back on track after that shitty prof delayed me was all I cared about. Then I finally get here and _he’s_ there. It changed everything,” he sighed. “There are more important things than a job.”

 

“Damn good thing, too.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“You were way too serious about work before him.”

 

“Look who’s talking,” Jean retorted.

 

“I’m different,” Marco said. “I wasn’t an asshole to everyone.”

 

“I wasn’t –”

 

Marco shot him a stern look.

 

“Okay fine. Maybe I was a little bit of an asshole. But look at me now.”

 

“Yeah. That guy changed you, you’ve gotta admit.”

 

Jean’s cheeks turned pink. “Shut up.”

 

Marco laughed to himself and gathered his schoolwork, filling up his bag. “So how _did_ it go at HR?”

 

“Just about as awful as you’d expect.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m pretty sure that Pixis knows about me and Eren. He kept trying to get me to admit it.”

 

“But you didn’t, right?”

 

“Of course not, I’m not an idiot.” Jean stood up and walked Marco to the elevator.

 

“When’ll you tell Eren?”

 

“Tonight. After my last shift is over.”

 

“Good luck,” Marco said as the elevator dinged and doors slid open. “Let me know how it goes.”

 

***

 

“So that’s it then?” Eren plopped down onto his bed and threw himself back, looking up at the ceiling.

 

“That’s it,” Dr. Zoe said, standing up. “You made it through your last session before surgery. Congratulations.” She gathered her notepad and briefcase and started to the door. “If you have anything you want to talk about before tomorrow, I’m around until 5.”

 

“Actually,” Eren said, sitting back up, “there is one thing.”

 

Dr. Zoe turned back around and leaned against the wall. “What is it?”

 

Eren stood up and glanced out the window at the mid-afternoon sky. Birds flew out to the horizon. “How do you know if you love someone?”

 

Dr. Zoe laughed. “Really? You’re less than 24 hours from brain surgery and you’re asking me about love?”

 

“You said anything.”

 

She sat on the edge of the bed. “Well, I hate to break it to you, but it’s different for everyone.”

 

“Well, yeah, but how do you _know_?”

 

Dr. Zoe grew skeptical. “Why’s this important all of a sudden?”

 

Eren shrugged. “Never mind then. I’ll call you if I need to talk again.”

 

“If you say so. Good luck tomorrow.” Dr. Zoe turned back around and left the room. Eren sighed and pushed the blinds all the way open and let the sun shine into the room. The sunlight bouncing off of the buildings in the distance reminded him of the rooftop. His heart fluttered and stomach flipped. Eren had thought about his feelings for Jean over the past two weeks of scans and tests. They’d continued spending nights together, sneaking kisses, and exchanging bite marks between check-ups. The thought of Jean’s hands on him gave him goose bumps. With surgery on the horizon, he wondered again what would happen afterward. _Will he stay?_ Eren started wringing his hands nervously. _I’ve gotten so used to him_. Eren tried to imagine daily life and what “normal” is going to be like without Jean there almost all the time. His heart sunk. _I can’t. I can’t imagine it._

 

“Hey.”

 

Eren jumped. “Oh, it’s just you.”

 

Armin walked into the room munching on a pre-made sandwich from the hospital café. “You alright?”

 

Eren sighed.

 

“That bad, huh?” Armin closed the door.

 

“What?”

 

“You have two tells. Getting really pissy and _that_ ,” he explained, indicating Eren’s heavy sigh. He sat on the bed.

 

“What’s on your mind?”

 

“Please, I just finished with the shrink.”

 

“I know. I saw her getting onto the elevator. Want some?” Armin offered Eren some of his sandwich. Eren waved it off and sunk into the chair next to the window.

 

“Is it bad that what I’m most scared about isn’t the surgery?”

 

“They’ve been preparing you for it for two weeks already. You shouldn’t be scared for it,” Armin replied. “But what’s getting to you?”

 

“He told me to trust him and I’m trying.”

 

“Who?”

 

“I just,” Eren continued, ignoring Armin’s question, “I don’t know how to just _believe_ him.”

 

“Jean?”

 

“And I want to. So badly. I want to just believe that we’ll be together after everything. Once the dust settles, he’ll be there. When I wake up, he’ll be there. But what if he’s not?” Eren looked to Armin, worry clouding his green eyes.

 

“I’ve talked to him, you know. I don’t think he’s that kind of person.”

 

“But you don’t _know_.” Eren’s eyes watered.

 

“Eren, no one knows anything really. Sometimes you have to just give yourself up to chance and hope for the best. Sometimes you have to just trust people. All that we know is we’re breathing. And all you _can_ do is keep breathing.” Armin rose from the bed and walked over to Eren. “You have to keep moving forward, and sometimes the things we want don’t come with us. And sometimes they do.”

 

“Yeah, I guess.”

 

“I’m going to ask you a serious question and I need you to answer me honestly.”

 

“I know what you’re gonna ask,” Eren sighed.

 

“I doubt it.”

 

“Then go ahead.”

 

Armin leaned up against the wall next to Eren and rested his hand on his shoulder. “Do you love him?”

 

“I knew it. I don’t _know_. I even asked Dr. Zoe how to know.”

 

“You must be desperate,” Armin chuckled.

 

“Armin, I don’t know what to do. I’ve dreamed about this. Getting the fuck out of here. Finally getting the chance to move forward with my life. And now there’s this-this…complication. There’s this _guy_ who makes me feel like I’m actually worth _something_. Not just some patient. Not just 45104. Do you know what I found myself thinking about during the tests to keep me calm?”

 

“What?”

 

“Living with him. Having kids and a dog. Traveling with him. Marrying him. Lazy Sundays with him. I feel like a fucking 12-year-old girl daydreaming about a schoolyard crush.”

 

“You’re allowed to feel that way, you know.”

 

“It’s so stupid.”

 

“Have you seen him today?”

 

“Not as much as I wanted to,” Eren admitted. “I had to meet with the surgical team today and then there was the session with Dr. Zoe. He popped in for a bit for a vitals check around 1:30 and gave me this.” Eren lowered his shirt collar to reveal a red hickey on his chest.

 

“Nice.”

 

"Right?”

 

Armin stood up and tossed the garbage from his sandwich into the can. “You know what you need to do, right?”

 

Eren shook his head.

 

“You need to tell him everything. Tell him how you feel.”

 

“He knows.”

 

“Does he? Because I don’t think you’d be this worried about losing him if he did. I mean, I’m sure he knows that you really care about him and want to be with him, but does he know what you just told me?”

 

“Why would I tell him that?”

 

“Because it’s important!” Armin raised his voice, growing agitated. “Eren, you have to tell people how you _feel_ about them. Jean’s a great guy but when it comes to how other people feel about you, it’s never easy to just know. What if something happens to you in surgery tomorrow?”

 

“What the fuck are you doing bringing that up?” Eren gasped.

 

“But think about it for a minute. If you don’t tell him and something happens to you, he’ll never know how you felt. He’ll never know that you’re in love with him.”

 

“I’m not in love with him.”

 

“Sure,” Armin sassed, “because from what I’ve just heard, it’s definitely more than just ‘really liking him’”

 

“Then tell me what to do,” Eren demanded.

 

“I already did.”

 

***

 

The sun set over the hospital and on Eren’s last day before surgery. Around 6, Petra stopped into the room with Levi and Erwin and instructed him not to eat anything between then and the surgery the next morning. 7 o’clock came with Sasha, joining Armin and Mikasa. Marco stopped in at 8 and, for the last hour, the five of them talked, laughed, and said their goodbyes, promising to come back before he went under for the procedure. 9 o’clock came and Eren found himself alone and hungry. Jean hadn’t stayed after his shift was over. _Where is that asshole?_ Around 9:30, there was a knock at the door.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can I come in?” Jean asked.

 

“It’s about time you showed up.” Eren leapt off the bed and threw his arms around him. “I missed you today.”

 

“I missed you, too.” Jean kissed Eren’s forehead.

 

“Where were you after your shift? You always come by when you’re done.”

 

Jean sighed. “Eren, sit down, I need to tell you something.”

 

Eren pulled away quickly. “What’s going on.”

 

“Just sit down. Please.” The two sat next to each other on the bed, legs hanging over the side. Jean rested his hand on Eren’s and gripped his fingers. He swallowed hard. “Two weeks ago, I went to human resources and had a conversation.”

 

“And?”

 

“And, well, as of 5 o’clock this afternoon, I’m not employed here anymore.”

 

Eren went silent and stared at Jean. The words wouldn’t sink in. “You what?”

 

“I’m not an intern here anymore.”

 

“B-But, you’re, if you, wait, what? Did they make you? Did they find out about us?”

 

Jean shook his head. “It was my choice.”

 

Eren stood up and paced the room. “If they didn’t find out about us, why would you quit? This job is good for you, you were talking about how it’ll make your chances of residency better and-and it’d be valuable experience. Why would you – why are you leaving me? Are you breaking up with me?”

 

“Eren –”

 

“You promised you wouldn’t leave. You _promised me_ ,” he grew angry, “you said to trust you. You said that you wouldn’t leave when I was better and now…now I’m not even better yet and you’re already going. I should’ve fucking known. I should’ve –”

 

“Will you shut the fuck up for, like, a _second_?”

 

“No! You lied to me! You should get the f –”

 

Jean got up and grabbed Eren’s face and planted a hard kiss on his lips, grinding their teeth together. He broke away after a second. “I did it for you, you dumbass.”

 

“Wh-What?”

 

“I did it so I can be with you after. So I wouldn’t be tied here. So I wouldn’t lose you, you idiot. Do you really think that after all this, after everything we’ve been through over the past two months that I’d just up and leave you? You’re literally about to have brain surgery. I want to be there for you. I’m not gonna fucking be stuck up here while you’re under the knife! Why would I even,” he began tearing up, “ _how_ could I even leave you alone while you went through that? I literally can’t imagine you waking up and me not being there. Eren, did you ever think that maybe, just _maybe_ , I’m fucking crazy about you? That maybe I – ” The words got caught in his throat.  


“Maybe you what?” Eren whispered.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Don’t do this to me. Not now. You just said it,” Eren felt a lump in his throat growing, “I’m about to go into surgery in less than 12 hours.” He swallowed hard to push it away but to no avail. “Maybe you what?” Jean pressed his forehead against Eren’s and let a sob escape. Tears rolled down his face. Eren felt tears leak from his own eyes. “Maybe you what?” he choked. “Because…because maybe I do, too…”

 

“Don’t…” Jean choked.

 

“Jean.” Eren took a deep, shaking breath. “I-I – ”

 

“Don’t say it,” he interrupted. “Show me.”

 

Eren wrapped his hand around Jean’s neck and pulled him back in for a kiss just as vigorous as before. His hands quickly traveled down his shoulders to his chest and groped Jean’s torso. At the same time, Jean’s hands found their way under Eren’s shirt and caressed his belly and chest. Eren broke the kiss and tore his shirt off with Jean following suit.

 

“Are you sure?” Jean asked, recalling the mishap from two weeks ago.  


“I’m fine. Just kiss me, dammit.”

 

Jean obliged and continued to kiss Eren, tongue wandering into his mouth. He hitched Eren up onto the bed and pushed him down so he was flat on his back. This time, he wasted no energy getting his hand into Eren’s pants, pressing his palm against his hard-on. Eren let out a moan into Jean’s mouth and reciprocated the motion. He took Jean’s length into his hand and started stroking. Jean pushed his jeans and underwear off and tore the rest of Eren’s clothes off, throwing them across the room. The two stroked and fondled each other on Eren’s bed for almost half an hour before Jean kissed his way down Eren’s torso. He ran his tongue up Eren’s shaft and took the head into his mouth. Eren failed to stifle his moan and it echoed off of the walls in his room.

 

"Shh…”

 

“No,” Eren growled sitting up. He pushed Jean down onto his back and took him into his mouth instead. He vigorously sucked and bobbed up and down, curling Jean’s toes and making him flush. His finger ran down Jean’s perineum and pressed up against his hole. Jean grunted in pleasure and ran his hands through Eren’s hair.

 

“There’s petroleum jelly in the closet there,” Jean motioned to the cabinet next to the sharps disposal bin. “Use it as lube.”

 

Eren leapt off the bed and rummaged through the miscellaneous medical supplies until he found it. He applied a generous amount to himself and to Jean’s ass. Jean moaned as Eren’s finger caressed his opening. He relaxed, taking Eren’s finger in a little when he applied pressure. Eren pushed his finger in a bit more and massaged inside. Jean’s back suddenly arched when he pressed up against something small and firm. Pre-cum seeped out of him. “Th-that was my prost – ah!” Eren pressed it again. Jean started sweating and his face was red. “Get inside – get inside me,” he panted.

 

“Okay.” Eren leaned forward and kissed Jean, who kept his head from hanging over the foot of the bed. He pushed up his legs and pressed himself against Jean’s relaxed hole, easily sliding his head in.

 

“Ah –!”

 

Slowly, Eren’s shaft made its way all the way inside Jean and his pelvis was up against Jean’s body. He started to pump in and out, maintaining eye contact. Eren pulled Jean up so that he was cradling his body as he remained perched on his knees. Sweat dripped from Eren’s forehead onto Jean’s torso as he focused on trying to hit his prostate again. Suddenly, Jean barely stifled a scream. _There it is._

 

“Oh, my god, Eren,” Jean panted. He straightened up and started to ride Eren, resting his arms on Eren’s shoulders. “I…I lo –”

 

Eren kissed Jean before he could finish what he was saying. “Show me,” he whispered.

 

Jean immediately started gyrating on Eren’s lap, causing Eren’s moans to grow louder and louder, more and more difficult to control. His face flushed as he continued to thrust into Jean. He felt his groin start to pulsate.

 

“J-Jean, I’m getting close.”

 

“Me, too,” he whimpered. Eren started to stroke him again.

 

“F-Fuck, I’m gonna – I’m gonna – ah!” Eren bucked deeper and deeper into Jean until he felt himself shoot inside of him. Almost immediately, Jean shot all over Eren’s chest.

 

“H-Holy…shit…” Jean panted as he let Eren lay down flat on the bed and felt him slip out of his ass. Eren reached up and pulled Jean in for a soft kiss.

 

“So,” Eren said, the effects of his orgasm still lingering, “maybe you what?”

 

Jean felt the lump in his throat again. “Maybe,” he hesitated, “maybe I love you, Eren Jaeger.”

 

“Maybe I love you, too, Jean Kirschtein.” Jean leaned in and kissed him with a grin from ear to ear.

 

“You’ll be here all day tomorrow?” Eren asked, resting against Jean’s quickly rising and falling chest.

 

“I told you,” he kissed Eren’s sweaty forehead, “I’m not leaving you.”


	7. Hurdles

Marco flicked on the razor and buzzed away the remnants of Eren’s hair. Armin helped to sweep it all away as Jean watched on from the corner of the room. Lock after lock of hair fell to the ground, revealing the shiny scalp beneath it – three shades lighter than the rest of his skin.

 

"This isn't weird looking at all,” Jean muttered.

 

“Yeah, promise me you’re not gonna do this voluntarily,” Mikasa added. “I’m gonna get you a bunch of hats for now.”

 

“Thanks, guys. Makin’ me feel like a million bucks.” His stomach churned and he let out a sigh. “I’m so fuckin’ nervous.”

 

Everyone exchanged a surprised look at Eren’s blatant self-expression.

 

"What?"

 

“Nothing,” Marco said. “Just not used to you being so open about your feelings.” He switched off the electric razor and reached for a manual one to shave the peach fuzz off Eren’s head. Marco smeared shaving cream across his head and began to carefully shave away the rest of the hair. “You’ll be fine, okay?”

 

“Y-Yeah.”

 

“Hey.” Mikasa crouched in front of Eren and looked him dead in the eye. “You’re gonna make it through just fine. You’ll fight. And you’ll win.”

 

“Easy,” Marco warned. “This razor’s sharp. I’m not the one qualified to open up your head.”

 

Eren swallowed hard and twisted his own fingers. Mikasa rested her hands on his and gave them a gentle squeeze. “We’ll all be here waiting for you.”

 

“I know,” he whispered. “How’re they gonna put me under?”

 

Jean looked at Marco.

 

“It’s a needle, isn’t it?” Eren wavered with waves of dread showing on his face.  

 

“Yeah,” Marco admitted.

 

“Dammit,” Eren hissed. “Can you be there when they do it?” he asked Jean.

 

“I-I don’t know if I –”

 

“Yes,” Marco interjected. He wiped the leftover shaving cream from Eren’s head with a towel. “I’ll talk to Dr. Ral and let her know why. I’ll make it work. You can’t stay after though.”

 

“I know,” Jean admitted. “Thanks, man.”

 

“Mhm. You’re all set, Eren. How’s it feel to be bald?”

 

Eren stood up and rubbed his hands along his bare scalp. “Drafty.”

 

Everyone let out a chuckle that diffused, slightly, the tension in the room. Marco packed up the hair equipment in a black zip bag as Mikasa helped Armin finish sweeping up the hair. Jean stayed in his seat in the corner by the window, staring out at the early morning. Eren walked over to his spaced-out boyfriend and crouched in front of him just as Mikasa did in front of him.

 

“What’re you thinking about?”

 

“Hm? Oh,” he snapped back to reality, “n-nothing.”

 

"Well that's a lie," Marco quipped as he started to usher Mikasa and Armin out of the room.

 

“Let’s see, it’s,” he checked his watch, “8:15. We’ll come back later. Sasha’ll be here, too. They’ll come to bring you down to the OR around 9:30. Come on, guys.” The three left the room.

 

“I bet you think I’m _so_ sexy now,” Eren joked taking Jean’s hands. Jean laughed weakly. “How is it you look worse than me? I’m literally less than 2 hours away from getting my head cut open. Voluntarily.”

 

Jean shrugged.

 

“Don’t go silent on me, you idiot.”

 

He sighed. “What if you _don’t_ wake up?”

 

Eren took a shaky breath. “I will.”

 

“But what if you don’t?”

 

“It’s like we did a 180 on the roles of this conversation.” He leaned against the window. “If I don’t wake up, just…I don’t know. Move on, I guess.”

 

“Easier said than done.”

 

“Yeah.” They went quiet for a moment before Eren continued the conversation. “I’m gonna make it through.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“Because I have someone waiting for me on the other side.”

 

Jean’s face turned pink. “Shut up. And don’t use the phrase ‘other side.’”

 

“Okay, okay.” Eren glanced out the window at the morning that hung over the city. “Wanna get out of here?”

 

“If you’re suggesting the roof, you’re out of your mind. Your head’ll freeze.”

 

Eren slumped in disappointment. “Ugh, fine.”

 

“Lay with me?” Jean reached out and grabbed Eren’s hand again. He nodded and guided Jean over to his bed. He reclined and Eren curled into his side, gripping Jean’s shirt and resting his ear over his heart. Jean’s hand slowly caressed Eren’s back, settling his nerves and stomach.

 

“Armin told me something yesterday.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“That I should tell you how I feel about you.”

 

“I’m pretty sure you showed me last night. For the record, I’m still a little sore,” Jean chuckled. Eren felt his laugh reverberate in his chest.

 

“Well, yeah.” He lifted his head and looked up at Jean. “That was really fun, by the way. When I’m better, we’re gonna have to dedicate a whole day to that.”

 

“A whole day?”

 

“Please. When I’m not under the constant threat of vomiting, I’m gonna make you mine.”

 

Jean smirked. “I’m already yours.”

 

“Nerd.” Eren rested his ear over Jean’s heart again. “But really though,” he cleared his throat, “where do you see us in five years?” Eren started to play with Jean’s hand.

 

“Five years?” Jean thought for a second. “Well, I’d like to be living with you. And maybe have a –”

 

“A dog?”

 

“I was gonna say a cat.”

 

Eren paused. “Both?”

 

“Both.”

 

“What else?”

 

“I want to take you to Germany. You said you wanted to visit and I wanna be the one to take you.”

 

“That’s five years from now?”

 

“Okay, maybe _within_ five years.”

 

“Better.”

 

Eren hesitated before asking his next question. He felt the words get stuck in his throat. “D-Do you…”

 

“Do I what?”

 

“Do you ever think about, I don’t know, marriage?”

 

“I’d like to get married someday.”

 

“To?”

 

“Hopefully you.” Jean felt Eren sigh in relief and smile. His own lips curled into a relieved grin. His hand moved to Eren’s scalp. “This feels so weird.”

 

“Your hand’s freezing.”

 

Jean removed it and continued to rub Eren’s back. The two laid together in silence for what they both wished would be an eternity. Comfort and solace settled in the place of anxiety and fear. With closed eyes, they could be anywhere. Any room, any building, any city, any country. Jean’s cologne masked the medical scent of the room and Eren felt himself drifting into a light sleep as Jean’s breathing became slow and deep. _All I can do is keep breathing,_ Eren reminded himself, as yesterday’s conversation with Armin wandered back into his mind. _He’s here. It’s gonna be okay._

 

Knuckles rapped at the door, bringing the two of them back to the hospital. The party of three walked back in, this time joined by Sasha.

 

“You guys okay?” Mikasa asked.

 

Eren and Jean looked at each other and nodded.

 

“Good,” Sasha said as she gave Eren a hug. “You ready for this?” She kissed her fingers and tapped Connie’s picture over Eren’s bed.

 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

 

“That’s the spirit, I guess,” Armin shrugged.

 

“Listen,” Sasha began, “Connie used to tell me that whenever he had to get a procedure done where they put him under, it was just like taking a nap. You’re gonna be asleep and you get to rest while they do their stuff.”

 

“That’s actually exactly what it’s like,” Marco added. “And then you’ll wake up and feel like it’s been only five minutes.”

 

“Mhm!” Sasha continued. “And then you get ice cream!”

 

“Really?” Eren’s face lit up.  


“No,” Marco shot. “That’s only for children and tonsillitis. We’ve gotta work you back up to eating solid food.”

 

Eren’s stomach grumbled.

 

“Have you gotten sick?” Marco asked.

 

“There’s literally nothing in me to throw up.”

 

“He’s got a point,” Mikasa chimed in.

 

Another knock at the door. “Good morning, Mr. Jaeger!” Krista poked her head into the room. “Just wanted to say good luck today. We’re all gonna be thinking about you!”

 

“Thanks, Krista,” Eren smiled.

 

She returned a sweet smile and went on her way.

 

“That was nice of her,” Mikasa commented.

 

“Yeah, she’s be great to me over the past couple weeks since I learned her name.”

 

"That'd make someone be nicer, don't you think?” Marco quipped with a smirk. “I’ve been telling you to learn people’s names around here from the start.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, _mom_ ,” Eren sassed.

 

“Watch it. I can ask Dr. Ral to decide _not_ to let Jean be there for the anesthesia.”

 

“Okay, okay,” he surrendered.

 

“Eren?” Petra poked her head into the room. “It’s time for the CT.” She opened the door and pushed a wheelchair through. “Have a seat. I get to be your escort for today,” she smiled. “As for you, Mr. Kirschtein,” she looked over to Jean who turned pale and gulped, “you can join us. I heard there was a request for you to be around until the anesthesia is administered.”

 

Eren and Jean simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief. He joined Eren and Petra at the door.

 

“The rest of you will have to wait in the waiting room outside the OR. Nurse Bodt can show you the way. Say your goodbyes and then we’ll go, okay?”

 

Eren nodded. One by one Armin, Mikasa, Sasha, and Marco all gave Eren a tight hug. By the end of the line, they were all fighting tears. “It’s just ‘see you later,’ right guys?” he choked.

 

Everyone else nodded.

 

“Sit, sit,” Petra instructed. “We’ll see you later!” She wheeled him out of the room with Jean on her heels. As the door to room 208 closed and the three made their way to the elevator to get to the imaging suite, Eren felt his eyes start to water again. Jean caught up to Eren’s side and squeezed his shoulder.

 

“You’re gonna be fine,” he whispered. Eren grabbed Jean’s hand and squeezed it.

 

“If it helps,” Petra added, “I’ve done this procedure tons of times. You’re in the best shape for this kind of surgery.” Eren felt the butterflies in his stomach settle ever so slightly as they entered the elevator and it lowered to the the imaging floor, just beneath the main concourse level. The metal doors slid open to a familiar hallway. They passed three of the light wood doors before stopping at room B145. 

 

“Alright,” Petra said. “Mr. Kirschtein, can you open the door please?” Jean obliged and pushed the door in, allowing Petra and Eren to go through first. In the center of the room, a large, white circle with a hole in the center sat at the end of a padded table. “You know how this goes, right, Eren?” He nodded and got up out of the wheelchair, and laid on the table, positioning his head within the opening of the scanner. “Great, here we go.” Petra kicked up the computer and the machine started with a whir. It took all of fifteen minutes to get the images she needed.

 

“Done!”

 

“Are you serious? That’s it?” Eren asked, surprised.

 

“I just needed a couple pictures to be able to figure out where on your head I’m going in. I’m not diagnosing right now.”

 

“Good point.”

 

Jean helped Eren back into the wheelchair. Petra analyzed the pictures on her screen and grabbed a surgical marking pen from her lab coat and walked over to Eren. She measured from the top of his left eye socket past his forehead and moved up on his scalp before making a mark. “Right there. Right on the border of the frontal, temporal, and parietal lobes.”

 

The three made their way out of the room and back to the elevator, heading to the operating rooms. Eren was in a daze the entire way. _Breathe_. He felt Jean holding his hand as they went, yet any sights and sounds around him were a blur. _Breathe._ His heart pounded in his ears and his eyes were clouded by anxiety. _Breathe._ As they approached the operating wing, the sound of heart monitors brought him back to reality. He found himself looking up at another wooden door with the number 330 on it. He laughed.

 

“What is it?” Jean asked.

 

“330. That’s my birthday.”

 

“Is it really?” Petra commented. “What a coincidence. Maybe it’s a good sign.”

 

Jean opened the door again for them and helped Eren onto the table surrounded by machines and IV hookups. He watched the color drain from Eren’s face. “Hey. Hey, hey, hey, look at me. Just me,” he said, taking Eren by the chin. “It’s almost over. You’re almost past the needles. Past the scans. Past the shit. It’s just you and me right now. Got that?”

 

Eren nodded weakly and grabbed Jean’s other hand. “I’m scared. And fuckin’ freezing.”

 

“I know,” Jean whispered back. “But I’ll be here the whole time. The last face you see before you sleep and then I’m right here the whole way through,” he poked at Eren’s heart.

 

“Don’t be such a sap,” Eren muttered as he turned light pink. Jean’s hand went back to Eren’s chin and pulled him in for a kiss before Petra brought her surgical team into the room. The anesthesiologist came in last with a vial of the sedative. Eren’s eyes followed him around the room, but Jean made sure to stay in his line of sight. “You and me,” he reminded him.

 

“Okay, so here’s how it’s gonna happen,” Petra announced. “Mr. Kirschtein is here to help Eren stay comfortable while we administer the anesthesia. We’ll quickly insert the IV after he’s asleep and then begin.” She pulled over a stool and placed it next to Eren. On the opposite side of the table, a nurse began hanging bags. The anesthesiologist deftly began preparing the syringe with the liquid in the vial. Eren kept his eyes trained on Jean.

 

“Don’t let go,” he said, gripping Jean’s hand.

 

“I won’t.”

 

Eren winced as he felt a pinch in his arm. Jean watched as Eren’s eyes fluttered shut. His grip weakened and before long he was out cold. Jean reluctantly released his hand.

 

“Alright, Mr. Kirschtein, we’re going to need you to leave so we can maintain a sterile environment. We passed the waiting room on the way here – straight down the hallway and to the left. I’ll be out to let you know when we’re finished.” Jean nodded as he watched the nurses adjust the bed and line up the surgical equipment on the tray. The heart monitor started to beep as the sensors were stuck to Eren’s chest and the pulse rate monitor clipped onto his finger. “Now, Jean,” she ordered. Jean walked out of the room, closing the door behind him and making his way to the waiting room. He quickly wiped tears from his eyes before pushing through the double doors. He was greeted by Mikasa, Armin, and Sasha fidgeting nervously as they huddled together on a bench along the wall. The waiting room was virtually empty, save the desk attendant. The TV looped the local news channel, repeating the same stories every 15 minutes.

 

“How was he?” Armin asked as he desperately tried to stay calm.

 

“Scared. But he made it through the injection okay. He just fell asleep and that was it. They started just as I left,” Jean explained, sitting opposite the three on his own chair. He pulled his legs up and crossed them.

 

“Now what do we do?” Sasha asked.

 

Mikasa sighed. “We wait.”

 

***

 

Eren’s heart monitor beeped steadily as Petra took her scalpel and made a steady incision over her marking. Her team remained vigilant to his vitals and her instruction as she exposed a small portion of bone. Her latex gloves were covered in blood as she worked on the bone flap in Eren’s skull to expose the brain.

 

“How is he?” Petra asked, focused on each precise movement of her right hand.

 

“Vitals are stable. Heart rate’s good. BP’s holding at 120 over 80.”

 

“Good. You’re doing great, Eren.” She carefully removed the bone flap and exposed his brain, immediately finding the tumor lodged where the image captured it. “There you are,” she whispered to herself. “Scissor,” she ordered.

 

***

 

Armin paced the waiting room, agitated. “I swear to god if I have to hear the story of how a chihuahua saved the little old lady from carbon monoxide poisoning, I’m gonna freak out.”

 

Jean stood up. “Let’s go to the café. There’s still lots of time to kill and being in here’s getting me anxious, too.” He turned to Sasha and Mikasa. “You guys want anything?”

 

“Coffee for me,” Mikasa said. “Armin knows how I take it.”

 

“Sasha?”

 

She shook her head and waved them off.

 

"Suit yourself,” Jean sighed. “Text me if you change your mind.” The pair left the waiting room and headed to the main concourse of the third floor. The café was deserted. A lone cashier stood at the register with earbuds in her ear, tapping along to her music. Armin walked over to the coffee dispensers and filled up a medium-sized cup with dark roast. Jean grabbed the last double chocolate chip muffin from the pastry case.

 

“You know he can’t eat that yet, right?”

 

“I know. It's for me.” Jean grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator. “How're you holding up?”

 

“How do you think? My best friend in the world is going through brain surgery. I don't know how the hell you managed to keep it together in there with him.”

 

“Honestly, I don't know either.”

 

Armin poured milk into Mikasa’s coffee until it was practically white. He proceeded to empty packets upon packets of sugar and pocketed a couple more for good measure.

 

“I didn't peg Mikasa for a light and sweet coffee drinker.”

 

Armin shrugged. “I don't get it. I take mine black, but that's just me.”

 

Jean moved to the register. “Hey, put it all together. My treat.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah. Oh,” he grabbed a bag of potato chips, “in case Sasha changes her mind.”

 

“If you say so.” Armin placed Mikasa’s coffee and a cinnamon roll from the pastry case up on the counter. The cashier lazily scanned and keyed in their choices. “So how _are_ you gonna keep it up with Eren after this?”

 

“Are you asking what my intentions are? Like you're his dad?”

 

“Take it as you will. I'm just looking out for my best friend in the _whole_ _world_ , I mean, if you hurt him in any way, it would be a shame. A shame for you, that is.” Armin side-eyed Jean with a devilish smile creeping onto his face.

 

Jean stood silent and kept his eyes trained forward at the cashier. He swallowed hard.

 

“Oh my god, relax. I'm just kidding. Jeez, learn to take a joke.”

 

Jean rolled his eyes and snatched the receipt from the cashier. “Not the time for jokes.”

 

“Hey, just – just promise me something.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Just always be there for him. I don't mean that you need to be by his side 24/7,” he collected his food from the counter, “just don't give up on him.”

 

“Never.”

 

***

 

Petra kept breathing as steadily as possible as she navigated her thin, pliable scissors around the base of the tumor. On a screen next to her, she kept an eye of the microscopic structures she was interacting with. Half of the tumor was detached from the normal glial cells.

 

“Heart rate’s dropping,” a nurse reported.

 

“Shit,” she hissed. “Come on, Eren, stay with me.”

 

“BP’s tanking,” a second nurse warned. “We need to stabilize him.”

 

Eren’s eyes fluttered.

 

***

 

Mikasa sipped her coffee while Sasha stared at the unopened bag of potato chips on the table.

 

“Do you want them or not?” Jean pressed.

 

She shrugged.

 

“What’s bugging _you_?” asked Armin, licking the glaze from his cinnamon roll off his fingers.

 

“I don’t wanna lose another one. I’m barely okay with what happened to Connie. I can’t – I can’t lose Eren, too.” Mikasa put her coffee down and put her arm around Sasha. She leaned into Mikasa and let out a heavy sigh. “How’re you keeping it together?”

 

“I just know Eren. I know he’ll fight through.”

 

"So you're not scared at all?"

 

“Of course I am. He’s my brother and I love him.” She rested her head on Sasha’s, “I don’t wanna lose him either.

 

The door to the waiting room opened and everyone jumped from their seat. It was Marco. Everyone flopped back into their seats, disappointed.

 

“Thanks for the welcome, guys. Any word yet?” he asked, tossing his lunch bag onto an empty seat next to Jean.

 

"Nothing yet,” Armin groaned. “It’s going on three hours.”

 

“Shit,” Marco whispered. “I didn’t think it’d take _this_ long.”

 

“Is that a bad thing?” Sasha shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Do you think there are complications?”

 

“I don’t know for sure, obviously.” He dug in his bag for his sandwich. “It _is_ brain surgery.”

 

Jean sighed. “At least he’s asleep.”

 

***

 

“Don’t give up on me, Eren,” Petra muttered, noticing the dropping blood pressure monitor. “Just a couple more –”

 

“His BP’s plummeting! He’s coding!” a nurse exclaimed as the electrocardiogram flatlined and Petra removed the scissors. The blood pressure monitor flashed red and sirened.

 

"Shit,” Petra seethed.

 

“Paddles!” another nurse exclaimed. A third grabbed a defibrillator and switched it on before rubbing them together. “Clear!”

 

Electricity pulsed through Eren’s body. Nothing changed.

 

“Clear!”

 

Another jolt of electricity rushed through him. The EKG started beeping and the blood pressure monitor read normally again.

 

“Good god, Eren,” Petra breathed, picking up the scissors again. “Nothing like waiting till the last minute to pull that shit.” She slipped the metal tool back into his head and resumed her precise and tedious extraction. A couple of snips later, she removed the scissors. “Tweezers.” A nurse handed them over. Petra delicately pinched the top of the tumor and flawlessly pulled it out. “There it is.” She placed it on her tray. “Let’s stitch him back up,” she smiled.

 

***

 

“Why can’t we change this damn channel,” Armin whined. “It’s the local _news,_ I swear to god, I don’t care about Miss Carolina’s _sixth grade class right now._ ”

 

“Armin. Get over it. We can’t change the damn thing,” Jean snapped.

 

“Both of you stop it, will you? You’re just frustrated from being stuck in here.” Mikasa crushed her coffee cup and tossed it in the trash.

 

“And you’re not?” Jean shot.

 

“Of course I am. I just know how to handle myself.”

 

The door to the waiting room swung open. Mikasa was the first to see Petra come through the doorway, still donning her surgical attire.

 

“Dr. Ral.”

 

Everyone stood up and gathered around Petra, waiting with baited breath for _something_ to come out of her mouth.

 

“He gave us a little bit of a scare towards the end, but he made it through just fine. He’s in recovery right now. The anesthesia’ll wear off soon, but he’ll definitely be out of it. If anything odd happens, call for me right away. Otherwise, I’ll pop in later after I get cleaned up.”

 

“What room?” Jean interjected.

 

“He’s in the ICU. Same floor, just the other wing. Room 303.”

 

Jean bolted past Petra and sped down the hallway, back to the main concourse.

 

“Jean! Wait up!” the group called out behind him.

 

“Thank you, Dr. Ral. We’ll see you later,” Armin said before sprinting down after Jean. The five of them raced through the third floor and to the opposite corridor and into the intensive care unit.

 

“Come on, come on, 300…301…302…ah!” Jean stopped in his tracks in front of room 303. The four caught up with him after a couple minutes.

 

“What-What are you waiting for?” Sasha panted, using the wall for support. “Go in!”

 

Jean took a deep breath and extended a shaky hand to the door handle. He pushed it down and opened the door to find Eren laying in the bed, still sleeping. The IV drip continued to flow into his veins as his heart monitor beeped steadily. Jean stood over him and held Eren’s hand, taking his limp fingers in his palm. Armin, Sasha, and Marco stood against the wall while Mikasa stepped to the opposite side of Eren. Jean felt Eren’s fingers twitch.

 

“E-Eren?” he gasped.

 

“Mm…”

 

“Eren?”

 

Eren’s eyes creaked open. He feebly gripped Jean’s hand and turned his head to look at him.

 

"Oh my god. You guys.” Mikasa waved the three over and they all crowded the bed.

 

“Hey,” Jean whispered, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. It wasn’t long before he felt one roll down his cheek.

 

Eren let out a deep sigh and smiled. “Hey,” he croaked.

 

Jean picked up his hand and pressed his lips against the knuckles.

 

“It’s not a maybe anymore,” Eren said through a phlegm-laden throat.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I love you, Jean.”

 

Jean choked on a sob. Tears streamed down his face as he smiled and said, “I love you, too.”

 

Marco sighed from the end of the bed. “You guys are such losers.” The rest of them laughed as Jean leaned over and kissed Eren’s dry, cracked lips. As Eren became more and more aware of his surroundings, he realized that his persistent background headache was gone. He wasn’t nauseous. He wasn’t angry. All he knew was that he felt normal again. He felt better. And he felt loved.

 

***

 

“Mr. Jaeger,” Levi said, sitting behind his desk in his office. “You’ve gotten through your recovery faster than anyone I’ve ever seen.” He opened Eren’s file and thumbed through consultation and therapy notes. “Your physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech therapist, and even Dr. Zoe all signed off on you.”

 

Eren ran his hand over his thin layer of hair, taking care to avoid his healing wound. “Thanks.”

 

“There’s one thing left. The other day we ran a last test to make sure that you were healthy and cancer-free.”

 

“And?”

 

Levi cracked a rare, half-smile. “You’re officially in remission.”

 

***

 

“Oh my god, yay!” Sasha leapt in the air. “So when can you leave?”

 

“Well,” Eren said, pulling a black t-shirt on, “once Mikasa and Armin get back and let me know that they signed the discharge papers. Then I’m getting the fuck outta here.”

 

“That’s so great,” she said. “Don’t forget to take this with you.” She unpinned Connie’s picture from the wall and handed it to Eren.

 

“Like I’d forget.” He slipped the picture in his pocket and gave Sasha a hug. “Thank you so much. You and Connie were the best thing to happen to me here.” Jean cleared his throat. “Well, second best.”

 

"We're still gonna hang out, right?” she asked.

 

Eren smiled. “Sash, we’re family.”

 

She beamed. “I’m gonna go bring the car around!” she scurried out of the room.

 

Jean walked over to Eren and took his hands. “Nice to see you in normal clothes.”

 

“Nice to finally _wear_ normal clothes.”

 

Jean leaned over and kissed him lightly. “So, what’re you gonna do tonight? Any post-release celebration?”

 

“Well, Armin leaves for school tomorrow, so we’re gonna chill with him tonight and help him pack and shit. But all I really want is to be with you. In a normal bed. Like a normal couple.”

 

“That can be arranged,” Jean smiled.

 

Armin knocked on the open door. “You’re good to go, Eren. Mikasa’s down at the car with Sasha. You ready?”

 

Eren looked up into Jean’s eyes and sighed away the stress of his last two years in the hospital fighting what he thought was a losing battle. 

 

“Hell yeah, I’m ready.”


	8. Epilogue

“You know, for someone who said he was reading up on German, you really haven’t improved much,” Eren said as the waiter walked away from the table, confused at the unintelligible string of words Jean believed was German. “Are you gonna eat that?” he not-so-meekly asked, poking Jean’s bratwurst with his fork and piercing the casing.

 

“I swear to god, your appetite hasn’t stopped growing even after 3 years.”

 

“I told you I was gonna eat like a king,” Eren reminded Jean as he shoved the sausage link into this mouth in one shot. “Did you think I was lying?”

 

“I didn’t think you were lying. I just didn’t expect to lose weight because my boyfriend eats everything in sight.”

 

“Shut up.” Eren chewed away happily as his now-full and healthy face turned pink with satisfaction.

 

Jean looked out at the small-town buildings as the sunset slowly immersed them in a fiery orange. A cool breeze blew off the river. “It’s really nice here, huh?”

 

Eren looked up from his plate and surveyed the town, too. “Yeah.”

 

“Bummer we couldn’t find your family though.”

 

Eren shrugged. “It’s okay. I kinda had a feeling. I’m just glad we got here.” He wiped his mouth and dropped the napkin on his plate. In the distance, he saw Mikasa and Armin sauntering down the main road with Marco and Sasha right behind them. “And by we, I meant all six of us. Seven if you count him.” Eren pulled out his wallet and took out his photo of Connie.

 

“Eren,” Jean began, “I-I love you.” He reached out and stroked Eren’s hair.

 

He put the picture back into his wallet. “I love you, too. Is everything alright?”

 

“Yeah. I just…Eren,” he cleared his throat and grew visibly nervous. He wiped his palms on his pants. Eren noticed the other four stop to watch on.

 

“What’s going on?” he asked, growing wary.  

 

Jean reached out and took Eren’s hands in his own. “Eren, over the past three years, I-I’ve grown to love you so much. More than I even knew I could love someone. You’re the best thing to have ever happened to me.” He dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a black box. “Eren –”

 

“Oh my god.”

 

“Eren, will you marry me?”

 

“You fucking sap,” he choked through a lump in his throat and quickly forming tears. “Of course I’ll marry you!”

 

Jean slipped the silver band onto Eren’s left ring finger. Eren grabbed Jean’s wrists and yanked in him for a hard kiss. In the distance, they could hear Sasha shout, “I guess that means he said yes!?”

 

Eren and Jean both gave them a thumbs up as the group charged over to the restaurant to celebrate all together.

 

“Wait, you guys _knew_?” Eren gaped. “Sasha, _you_ kept this a secret?”

 

“Please, if anyone was gonna spill it’d be Marco.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he sputtered, turning red underneath his freckles.

 

“Oh come on,” Armin interjected, “I had to interrupt you _so_ many times just so you wouldn’t slip.”

 

“You guys are jerks.”

 

“Says the guy who snatched the last beer last night?” Mikasa shot. “I was saving that, you know.”

 

“Wow, you guys aren’t letting up are you? Well,” he turned to Eren and Jean, “congratulations, you lovebirds.”

 

Eren moved and sat on Jean’s lap. “Thanks, everyone.” He pressed his forehead against Jean’s and kissed him.

 

“Am I gonna have to sleep with earplugs again?” Armin whined. “If I have to hear you two moaning, I’ll start hearing it in my dreams.”

 

"You might,” Jean admitted.

 

“Might?” Eren corrected. “You definitely will.”

 

The six of them cackled into the late evening and continued to celebrate into the night with the promise of a bright future lingering on the horizon.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!! Please comment with your thoughts or you can drop me a message on tumblr at jinseinotsuki.tumblr.com :D 
> 
> <3


End file.
